“When was the last time you spent time (or money) on something with the sole intention of it helping you become a better father?” I bought Ella’s kitchen cook book I’ve hardly used because my partner’s usually in the driving seat in the kitchen.
So I don’t know, can we expand more on this idea, can I do more?
Stick around! We’ll be sharing more and more as we go on. One sneak peek: today my friend Nic told me about taking his son to feed the ducks. It’s a little ritual shared between the two of them, that brings them closer together each week. Maybe take some time this weekend to think about new weekly rituals that you could create with your kid(s)?
Glad I found this blog in its infancy, and doing my part to help it grow!
I welcomed my first of three children into the world at 25. Surveys routinely show that adults are delaying the onset of parenthood, and that is certainly apparent when I consider my fatherhood network. I’m now 30, and still, none of my male friends have children. A few of them are recently married, or will soon be married. The dads that I know are the husbands of my wife’s (34) friends, my brother-in-law, and my cousin-in-law. All great dads, but no one that I talk to routinely. (Maybe that needs to change!)
It doesn’t help that, as a teacher, most of my colleagues are women. In my cohort, there is a dad (47) who I treat as a sage of parenting, and I can sometimes connect to the moms of the cohort, but again, nothing on a purely peer level.
Oz’s comment struck a chord with me in that I wonder if I am doing more harm than good by taking a sideline approach to fatherhood when compared to my wife.
But all in all, super grateful for this community. Looking forward to the future of the site.
Wow. How profound. “I wonder if I am doing more harm than good by taking a sideline approach to fatherhood when compared to my wife.”
If only we could all have this level of clarity and introspection. I promise you Hunter, if you’re asking yourself these questions right now, and surrounding yourself with other fathers doing the same, you’re well on the way to finding the right answers.
Kev - awesome post that really hit home. The number of times that I've given wifey the old "really" look when her phone is buzzing with notifications, but actually it's just proof that she's got conversations going on, and I emphatically don't. It's something that lockdown has really made me aware of, although to be honest I've always been conscious of it and have lazily chalked it up to 'being a bloke'. Which is just bullshit when you think about it.
I think Brits (I can't really speak for any other nationality) still have a residual notion from previous generations of 'the done thing', and men sharing their emotions simply wasn't the done thing. This really needs to change. Mainly for our sanity.
Kev, having discussions about topics like this is what makes this blog so bloody essential. Hats off to you buddy. You're doing good in this world!
You’re right. We so often hide behind “being a bloke” as a get out of jail free card to stop ourselves worrying about these things. And like you say, we’re carrying the baggage of generations of fathers before us. That’s why it’s so important to break the cycle and push it forward for the next generation of dads that will come. I’ll be talking about this a bit more a in next week’s issue.
Thanks for the nudge. Just messaged some friends of mine about this exact thing. I know you were mainly talking about new dads, but I think it's perfect timing for getting in touch with the veterans now homeschool is back on the agenda in the UK.
I loved this post! You're very right in the point that men don't open their feelings that much to other male buddies and when you want to start a dad talk to another dad, you hear lots of stuff like "I don't know that, I don't know this, my wife is handling that" bla bla bla and that sort of nonsense.
I agree Oz. It's a great post and a familiar dynamic. This may start to take us outside of the scope of "Fatherhood", though I find that in the relative isolation we are all now in that it's rare men will ever message each other to check in and as men as need to "get on with it". For some that can work, but for others - even if we can't admit it - we do suffer mentally until it just gets too much. Net - we all need to somehow get over the fear of talking unless someone else initiates a discussion with a specific purpose or agenda.
Great points, both of you, and thank you for the insightful comments. Any topic of conversation that needs to be had by dads is well within the realms of Fatherhood, so thanks for bringing it up here.
I've got half a post written that I want to come back to soon about the terrible language men use around discussions of mental health — "don't be a pussy", "grow a pair", "man up" — weighed down by toxic masculinity that prevents us from showing any vulnerability to those around us.
Getting over the fear of talking without a specific purpose is the end goal! But in the meantime, we can still talk about other things with each other here.
Toxic masculanity is a disease. It took me long years to get over it, at least most part. Even now, I still feel it once in a while in my thoughts, sentences, actions, etc. It's so engraved in your mind since childhood and it takes a lot of effort and patience to get rid of it. And after your 30s, you don't want to waste your time with these people, that's for sure. Because no matter what you tell them, it's always easier to stay in the comfort zone and they deflect you back :)
“When was the last time you spent time (or money) on something with the sole intention of it helping you become a better father?” I bought Ella’s kitchen cook book I’ve hardly used because my partner’s usually in the driving seat in the kitchen.
So I don’t know, can we expand more on this idea, can I do more?
Stick around! We’ll be sharing more and more as we go on. One sneak peek: today my friend Nic told me about taking his son to feed the ducks. It’s a little ritual shared between the two of them, that brings them closer together each week. Maybe take some time this weekend to think about new weekly rituals that you could create with your kid(s)?
Glad I found this blog in its infancy, and doing my part to help it grow!
I welcomed my first of three children into the world at 25. Surveys routinely show that adults are delaying the onset of parenthood, and that is certainly apparent when I consider my fatherhood network. I’m now 30, and still, none of my male friends have children. A few of them are recently married, or will soon be married. The dads that I know are the husbands of my wife’s (34) friends, my brother-in-law, and my cousin-in-law. All great dads, but no one that I talk to routinely. (Maybe that needs to change!)
It doesn’t help that, as a teacher, most of my colleagues are women. In my cohort, there is a dad (47) who I treat as a sage of parenting, and I can sometimes connect to the moms of the cohort, but again, nothing on a purely peer level.
Oz’s comment struck a chord with me in that I wonder if I am doing more harm than good by taking a sideline approach to fatherhood when compared to my wife.
But all in all, super grateful for this community. Looking forward to the future of the site.
Wow. How profound. “I wonder if I am doing more harm than good by taking a sideline approach to fatherhood when compared to my wife.”
If only we could all have this level of clarity and introspection. I promise you Hunter, if you’re asking yourself these questions right now, and surrounding yourself with other fathers doing the same, you’re well on the way to finding the right answers.
Kev - awesome post that really hit home. The number of times that I've given wifey the old "really" look when her phone is buzzing with notifications, but actually it's just proof that she's got conversations going on, and I emphatically don't. It's something that lockdown has really made me aware of, although to be honest I've always been conscious of it and have lazily chalked it up to 'being a bloke'. Which is just bullshit when you think about it.
I think Brits (I can't really speak for any other nationality) still have a residual notion from previous generations of 'the done thing', and men sharing their emotions simply wasn't the done thing. This really needs to change. Mainly for our sanity.
Kev, having discussions about topics like this is what makes this blog so bloody essential. Hats off to you buddy. You're doing good in this world!
You’re right. We so often hide behind “being a bloke” as a get out of jail free card to stop ourselves worrying about these things. And like you say, we’re carrying the baggage of generations of fathers before us. That’s why it’s so important to break the cycle and push it forward for the next generation of dads that will come. I’ll be talking about this a bit more a in next week’s issue.
Thanks for the nudge. Just messaged some friends of mine about this exact thing. I know you were mainly talking about new dads, but I think it's perfect timing for getting in touch with the veterans now homeschool is back on the agenda in the UK.
I loved this post! You're very right in the point that men don't open their feelings that much to other male buddies and when you want to start a dad talk to another dad, you hear lots of stuff like "I don't know that, I don't know this, my wife is handling that" bla bla bla and that sort of nonsense.
I agree Oz. It's a great post and a familiar dynamic. This may start to take us outside of the scope of "Fatherhood", though I find that in the relative isolation we are all now in that it's rare men will ever message each other to check in and as men as need to "get on with it". For some that can work, but for others - even if we can't admit it - we do suffer mentally until it just gets too much. Net - we all need to somehow get over the fear of talking unless someone else initiates a discussion with a specific purpose or agenda.
Great points, both of you, and thank you for the insightful comments. Any topic of conversation that needs to be had by dads is well within the realms of Fatherhood, so thanks for bringing it up here.
I've got half a post written that I want to come back to soon about the terrible language men use around discussions of mental health — "don't be a pussy", "grow a pair", "man up" — weighed down by toxic masculinity that prevents us from showing any vulnerability to those around us.
Getting over the fear of talking without a specific purpose is the end goal! But in the meantime, we can still talk about other things with each other here.
Toxic masculanity is a disease. It took me long years to get over it, at least most part. Even now, I still feel it once in a while in my thoughts, sentences, actions, etc. It's so engraved in your mind since childhood and it takes a lot of effort and patience to get rid of it. And after your 30s, you don't want to waste your time with these people, that's for sure. Because no matter what you tell them, it's always easier to stay in the comfort zone and they deflect you back :)