More than anything else, practice entering each parenting situation with curiosity and acceptance, asking yourself, "What is going on here? What do I need to learn?"
Sometimes, this will come naturally, and other times, it will be very difficult. But keep practicing, and use whatever tools help you stay open to surprise and let go of control, whether meditation, journaling, afternoon naps, a workout, or something else.
You'll be amazed at how the simple act of being curious and putting connection first will open up moments of deep connection between you and your child.
My kids are 28, 26, 28. I will give one for toddlers and one for teenagers.
Toddlers: when they rage you get quiet.
Teenagers: detach with love, you cannot control your kids. All you can do is show them unconditional love always, and realize they are going to be who they are going to be no matter what you do.
Don’t worry if you struggle to enjoy it at first. I heard so many things about how much love is feel and how that would overwhelm all of the tough feelings. I did feel love, but I also felt a huge knot of other, more difficult feelings including guilt for not immediately feeling overwhelming love. It took a while to unknot those feelings, and that’s ok.
This might seem like negative advice but it’s not intended to be - please don’t take it as so. It’s more just an acknowledgement that it can be very complex, and I never had that acknowledgement from anyone else so it was tough.
Good comments here. Kevin, I’d love to read a guidebook/essay for dads to be, if you have one of those. Or even turning some of your insights into a listicle, like the “40 lessons in 40 years” type thing. Don’t have kids but maybe in the next year or two, could see that changing
Similar to Kevin’s: The Life you know now will soon be over. Don’t take that as a threat, but rather, an opportunity. To experience selflessness and compassion in ways you never thought possible.
This might be a bit after the fact but I urge you take as much time off work as you can afford to. I took 3 weeks with our daughter, and then was extraordinarily privileged to be able to take six months with our son. That time gave me priceless space to connect with him, to support and stay connected with my partner and, critically, the energy to be really present for a three year old dealing with the biggest change of her life. It also meant I actually had time for myself, too. It was glorious. This might be a bit dewy-eyed cliché for some, but you will never get that time again with that newborn.
I've been thinking about this topic a lot now that I'm 6 months in as a new dad. Am I an expert now? Heck no. Every day I know less and less, and I just try to lean into that.
I think one of the things that I'm stuck on is that it's really, really hard to understand what this life change is about to do to you - the becoming a new dad thing. There's some agency in it, like you get some choices. And, there are some choices that are just completely out of your hands. Like you mentioned, there's a desire to rail against the fact that just nothing is the same, and it seems like moms (generally) navigate this change from old life to new a little bit better (again, it probably just seems that way). But I wish someone would have told me that I'm about to get hit with a train - specifically, the emotional train. I never knew dads could have postpartum depression and anxiety, for example, and that it can hit you hard and it's often not diagnosed. Especially if you as a dad are focusing on your partner, you can really neglect your own mental health. Or, I suppose, swing too far to the side of caring for yourself and not your partner, because you're just so tired.
I wrote a non-exhaustive list of things I wish I knew 6 months ago. I don't know if it's helpful for soon-to-be dads or not, but maybe take what is helpful and leave what's not: https://devankelly.substack.com/p/the-first-five-months
I'll push back on the "your new kid needs their own room" idea.
The parents may need their own space, but I utterly and completely disagree that newborn babies need their own space. Newborns and babies need to be physically close to their primary caregiver(s) to form a healthy and secure attachment that will hugely benefit them, and their children, and their children's children.
One way that you can show up for your kid(s) is to do your own personal work: Pay attention to the reactions and fears and anxieties and depressions that occur for you; trace them back to your own history, and love up the little version of you who didn't get what you needed. Offer your little one that which you may not have received.
Be willing to work hard for this fresh little human. Be willing to lose sleep. Practice being present and loving when you're exhausted, and it feels like you have nothing left but grouchiness.
Speak to your baby when you're doing things to and with their body: I'm picking you up! I'm opening your diaper! Lifting your booty! Narrating the experience will help them develop trust.
Be kind. How you treat them and feel around them in *every* moment is getting programmed into their brains and bodies as how to be in this world, and how to be in relationship. These are incredibly perceptive and vulnerable beings.
Zone defense! Give each other time off. Here they said we had to wait to do a bottle til three weeks but after that, Dad did one night feeding so I could sleep. But starting early on the bottle makes it way easier for baby to transition when Mom does go back to work. Also if you can use any paternity leave to do a stretch of solo baby care when Mom does goes back to work, that helps a lot. Short circuits the mom tendency to gate keep and proves to both of you that either can care for kiddo. And delays daycare for that little bit longer. Kiddo needs help learning to sleep, and so many other things you don't think about actively learning. But really, love, food, a clean bottom (don't stress about spit up), and they're fine for a while. Find a local buy nothing or thrift store, but just to get stuff but to offload things when you grow out of them!
My advice: If you drink tea or coffee, get a Thermos mug. Someone got me one as a gift after the birth, which I thought was odd, but I used it so much in the first year on nap walks, bleary-eyed trips to doctors, etc.
One thing I wish we had done before having our first child that has been a tremendous help with our second child (who, lovely though she is, is not a good sleeper nine months into her life), is to talk in advance with your partner about how you *want* to communicate with each other once you have a child. Having a mutual understanding of that makes it much easier to check in and adjust to/understand the difficult-ranging-to-overwhelming moments that arise in having a newborn, then a teething infant, then a toddler that's somehow more stubborn than both his stubborn parents, etc.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. When our oldest was born, I was 250 pounds and heading for a life of not being able to keep up with her. I started running and doing push-ups and my family is better for it.
I decided to share some practical advice. Don’t wear white. Don’t put white clothes on your kid. Be aware of your child’s wake windows. Zippers over buttons. Kimono style bodies over over the head kind bodies. It’s okay to fail, you will do better the next time. Lean on your partner, let your partner lean on you. Don’t forget about each other. You will have new priorities, but you should still take the time to show how much you mean to each other.
There are 1000 different things that need to be done with a new baby. There is exactly one that you can’t physically do. Do everything else.
More than anything else, practice entering each parenting situation with curiosity and acceptance, asking yourself, "What is going on here? What do I need to learn?"
Sometimes, this will come naturally, and other times, it will be very difficult. But keep practicing, and use whatever tools help you stay open to surprise and let go of control, whether meditation, journaling, afternoon naps, a workout, or something else.
You'll be amazed at how the simple act of being curious and putting connection first will open up moments of deep connection between you and your child.
My kids are 28, 26, 28. I will give one for toddlers and one for teenagers.
Toddlers: when they rage you get quiet.
Teenagers: detach with love, you cannot control your kids. All you can do is show them unconditional love always, and realize they are going to be who they are going to be no matter what you do.
Don’t worry if you struggle to enjoy it at first. I heard so many things about how much love is feel and how that would overwhelm all of the tough feelings. I did feel love, but I also felt a huge knot of other, more difficult feelings including guilt for not immediately feeling overwhelming love. It took a while to unknot those feelings, and that’s ok.
This might seem like negative advice but it’s not intended to be - please don’t take it as so. It’s more just an acknowledgement that it can be very complex, and I never had that acknowledgement from anyone else so it was tough.
Good comments here. Kevin, I’d love to read a guidebook/essay for dads to be, if you have one of those. Or even turning some of your insights into a listicle, like the “40 lessons in 40 years” type thing. Don’t have kids but maybe in the next year or two, could see that changing
Similar to Kevin’s: The Life you know now will soon be over. Don’t take that as a threat, but rather, an opportunity. To experience selflessness and compassion in ways you never thought possible.
This might be a bit after the fact but I urge you take as much time off work as you can afford to. I took 3 weeks with our daughter, and then was extraordinarily privileged to be able to take six months with our son. That time gave me priceless space to connect with him, to support and stay connected with my partner and, critically, the energy to be really present for a three year old dealing with the biggest change of her life. It also meant I actually had time for myself, too. It was glorious. This might be a bit dewy-eyed cliché for some, but you will never get that time again with that newborn.
The one I always remember is 'the shops are always open'. Don't worry if you don't have everything you need - the shops are always open.
Also, people with way fewer resources and support than you do this every day. You've got this!
I've been thinking about this topic a lot now that I'm 6 months in as a new dad. Am I an expert now? Heck no. Every day I know less and less, and I just try to lean into that.
I think one of the things that I'm stuck on is that it's really, really hard to understand what this life change is about to do to you - the becoming a new dad thing. There's some agency in it, like you get some choices. And, there are some choices that are just completely out of your hands. Like you mentioned, there's a desire to rail against the fact that just nothing is the same, and it seems like moms (generally) navigate this change from old life to new a little bit better (again, it probably just seems that way). But I wish someone would have told me that I'm about to get hit with a train - specifically, the emotional train. I never knew dads could have postpartum depression and anxiety, for example, and that it can hit you hard and it's often not diagnosed. Especially if you as a dad are focusing on your partner, you can really neglect your own mental health. Or, I suppose, swing too far to the side of caring for yourself and not your partner, because you're just so tired.
I wrote a non-exhaustive list of things I wish I knew 6 months ago. I don't know if it's helpful for soon-to-be dads or not, but maybe take what is helpful and leave what's not: https://devankelly.substack.com/p/the-first-five-months
I'll push back on the "your new kid needs their own room" idea.
The parents may need their own space, but I utterly and completely disagree that newborn babies need their own space. Newborns and babies need to be physically close to their primary caregiver(s) to form a healthy and secure attachment that will hugely benefit them, and their children, and their children's children.
One way that you can show up for your kid(s) is to do your own personal work: Pay attention to the reactions and fears and anxieties and depressions that occur for you; trace them back to your own history, and love up the little version of you who didn't get what you needed. Offer your little one that which you may not have received.
Be willing to work hard for this fresh little human. Be willing to lose sleep. Practice being present and loving when you're exhausted, and it feels like you have nothing left but grouchiness.
Speak to your baby when you're doing things to and with their body: I'm picking you up! I'm opening your diaper! Lifting your booty! Narrating the experience will help them develop trust.
Be kind. How you treat them and feel around them in *every* moment is getting programmed into their brains and bodies as how to be in this world, and how to be in relationship. These are incredibly perceptive and vulnerable beings.
Breathe. Take moments away when necessary.
And take your vitamins every day.
Don't be afraid to do what you think is right sometimes (vs. doing all the stuff you're 'supposed' to do).
Zone defense! Give each other time off. Here they said we had to wait to do a bottle til three weeks but after that, Dad did one night feeding so I could sleep. But starting early on the bottle makes it way easier for baby to transition when Mom does go back to work. Also if you can use any paternity leave to do a stretch of solo baby care when Mom does goes back to work, that helps a lot. Short circuits the mom tendency to gate keep and proves to both of you that either can care for kiddo. And delays daycare for that little bit longer. Kiddo needs help learning to sleep, and so many other things you don't think about actively learning. But really, love, food, a clean bottom (don't stress about spit up), and they're fine for a while. Find a local buy nothing or thrift store, but just to get stuff but to offload things when you grow out of them!
My advice: If you drink tea or coffee, get a Thermos mug. Someone got me one as a gift after the birth, which I thought was odd, but I used it so much in the first year on nap walks, bleary-eyed trips to doctors, etc.
One thing I wish we had done before having our first child that has been a tremendous help with our second child (who, lovely though she is, is not a good sleeper nine months into her life), is to talk in advance with your partner about how you *want* to communicate with each other once you have a child. Having a mutual understanding of that makes it much easier to check in and adjust to/understand the difficult-ranging-to-overwhelming moments that arise in having a newborn, then a teething infant, then a toddler that's somehow more stubborn than both his stubborn parents, etc.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. When our oldest was born, I was 250 pounds and heading for a life of not being able to keep up with her. I started running and doing push-ups and my family is better for it.
I decided to share some practical advice. Don’t wear white. Don’t put white clothes on your kid. Be aware of your child’s wake windows. Zippers over buttons. Kimono style bodies over over the head kind bodies. It’s okay to fail, you will do better the next time. Lean on your partner, let your partner lean on you. Don’t forget about each other. You will have new priorities, but you should still take the time to show how much you mean to each other.