Kevin, thanks for this. It's a great reminder. I always try to keep in mind, and tell my friends who are dads, that the very fact you are worried about not being a good dad is proof you are doing better than most. It's like what the doctors told my wife after our second kid, when she had terrible postpartum depression and worried obsessively about hurting the baby: the fact that you are worried so much about hurting your child means you are not someone who is going to intentionally hurt your child. It doesn't mean you know all the right things to parent perfectly, but it does mean that you are aware of the danger and are trying to prevent it.
Because being a "good dad" is not about following all the right practices or reading the right books and newsletters (whoops!) or never making a mistake. It's first and foremost about attention, about being present and caring about your family. If you care enough to worry you are doing something wrong, you are already giving them the greatest gift they could ever have.
Kevin, this substack just delivers it. I have seen a few other spaces where fathers talk about improving themselves and being good dads [particularly in Portuguese], but almost all of them are video-oriented. Receiving this newsletter is a great boon.
On another note, the pieces of advice you selected were great! I always tell my friends who are expecting their first babies "the first two years are suvival; as they grow, you will be able to relax and enjoy it more".
Finally, Bluey, what a great cartoon! I love the little details - how sometimes Chili and Bandit are just too tired and moan when they have to deal with something, how their house is usually a mess, how the kids are always inventing ways to make things fresh, the interactions with other members of the family [the grandparents giving lots of popsicles, the cousins who have a different upbringing, the single uncle].
I think this is a message more parents than ever before need to hear. Whilst it’s great that we have so many more resources for tips on a whole host of things related to parenting (eating, sleeping, potty training, dealing with difficult emotions, and the rest), I think the social media effect in particular paints for us an idealistic view of what “good” parenting is, and often it’s unattainable within our normal day to day lives. As dads who are actively invested in doing the best we can, this can affect us more - I know it does for me all the time.
I’m writing my next post at the moment which will be about gentle parenting and why we find it so hard - in it I mention an article by Sarah Ockwell-Smith where she explains the 70/30 rule - whereby we do the best we can 70% of the time. The other 30% is when we need to let a few things slide for the sake of own sanity - think iPads at dinner just so we can eat one damn meal in peace. Not only does it fill our cup (how can we pour out from an empty cup, after all?), but this 30% won’t undo the 70% we’ve already worked hard to deliver that day.
I read in a book on attachment the other day that you only have to be attuned to your child 50% of the time to build a secure attachment. Which, obviously, I'm hoping for better than that, and but 50% as a baseline? I can do that.
I'm a relatively new reader and becoming a big fan. Group texts with other dads help keep us sane. Here's a homeschooling curriculum I put together that is a good guide for this community. No one will teach your kids better than you: https://yuribezmenov.substack.com/p/how-to-homeschool-your-kids
Kevin, thanks for this. It's a great reminder. I always try to keep in mind, and tell my friends who are dads, that the very fact you are worried about not being a good dad is proof you are doing better than most. It's like what the doctors told my wife after our second kid, when she had terrible postpartum depression and worried obsessively about hurting the baby: the fact that you are worried so much about hurting your child means you are not someone who is going to intentionally hurt your child. It doesn't mean you know all the right things to parent perfectly, but it does mean that you are aware of the danger and are trying to prevent it.
Because being a "good dad" is not about following all the right practices or reading the right books and newsletters (whoops!) or never making a mistake. It's first and foremost about attention, about being present and caring about your family. If you care enough to worry you are doing something wrong, you are already giving them the greatest gift they could ever have.
Kevin, this substack just delivers it. I have seen a few other spaces where fathers talk about improving themselves and being good dads [particularly in Portuguese], but almost all of them are video-oriented. Receiving this newsletter is a great boon.
On another note, the pieces of advice you selected were great! I always tell my friends who are expecting their first babies "the first two years are suvival; as they grow, you will be able to relax and enjoy it more".
Finally, Bluey, what a great cartoon! I love the little details - how sometimes Chili and Bandit are just too tired and moan when they have to deal with something, how their house is usually a mess, how the kids are always inventing ways to make things fresh, the interactions with other members of the family [the grandparents giving lots of popsicles, the cousins who have a different upbringing, the single uncle].
I think this is a message more parents than ever before need to hear. Whilst it’s great that we have so many more resources for tips on a whole host of things related to parenting (eating, sleeping, potty training, dealing with difficult emotions, and the rest), I think the social media effect in particular paints for us an idealistic view of what “good” parenting is, and often it’s unattainable within our normal day to day lives. As dads who are actively invested in doing the best we can, this can affect us more - I know it does for me all the time.
I’m writing my next post at the moment which will be about gentle parenting and why we find it so hard - in it I mention an article by Sarah Ockwell-Smith where she explains the 70/30 rule - whereby we do the best we can 70% of the time. The other 30% is when we need to let a few things slide for the sake of own sanity - think iPads at dinner just so we can eat one damn meal in peace. Not only does it fill our cup (how can we pour out from an empty cup, after all?), but this 30% won’t undo the 70% we’ve already worked hard to deliver that day.
I read in a book on attachment the other day that you only have to be attuned to your child 50% of the time to build a secure attachment. Which, obviously, I'm hoping for better than that, and but 50% as a baseline? I can do that.
I'm not a dad, and I enjoy reading you so much, Kevin.
I'm not sure if that's a recommendation or a sign of something or whatever, but it's certainly a fact.
Anyway: bravo.
I'm a relatively new reader and becoming a big fan. Group texts with other dads help keep us sane. Here's a homeschooling curriculum I put together that is a good guide for this community. No one will teach your kids better than you: https://yuribezmenov.substack.com/p/how-to-homeschool-your-kids