This is an element of fatherhood I’m fascinated by but have no direct experience of. The vortex you can get pulled into by emotions has been—at least as I move into the tenth year of being a father—familiar territory. I’m someone who has Big Feelings and have had them my whole life. It’s partially why I never earned a full, executive-level membership into the Man Club. Growing up, I cried all the time; I wore my heart on all my sleeves. I said the quiet parts out loud. Older siblings and cousins who learned otherwise found me odd and alienating. I found me odd and alienating! But this also allowed me to develop the vocabulary and comfort with this side of me that, well into their 40s and 50s, I am seeing close friends and relatives around me just start to come around to. I’m now realizing how influential emotional intelligence and fluency has been. It played a role in my education and pursuit of the Humanities (while other people did far more sensible and lucrative things). It has been a cornerstone of my professional life as a teacher. It has massively shaped my marriage to someone who grew up finding feelings unsafe and who still tries her best (with full awareness of the liability) to avoid feeling feelings entirely (her words).
What I am watching myself do that is new and kind of dangerous in this regard has to do with anger and resentment. I have reached a new experience in allowing myself to feel anger, kind of for the first time in my adult life. As a depressive, that energy was always directed within. And I’m building a fluency, after a good bout with a Major Mood Disorder, to direct it elsewhere. Hopefully in productive and not destructive ways. Resentment, too, has entered the chat, mainly because I’m an impatient person who doesn’t feel believed, and so when all these blokes come crying to me about how their dads didn’t love them or how they had to kill parts of themselves to join the Man Club (an initiatory experience of which involved harassing people like me), I kind of don’t have easy access to equanimity or compassion. At least not at first.
Oh gosh. Sorry to unfold all that like that. I have some work to do.
Wow, thanks for sharing. I'm really glad that you were able to retain contact with that part and that you didn't sacrifice/hate/shame/kill it to fit in. That courage is now a superpower.
It makes sense that you have a lot of anger towards those who tried to fit in by trying to conquer you. I can't help but muse at the fact that these men coming to you now sound like an opportunity for you both: for them to apologize for what they did to others similar to the young you, and for you to witness and react in the way you needed back then. It's like a time machine back to those early days.
Every time brother. I love you. I love your intellect, emotional range and humour. You’re able to cut to the core without preaching or giving the illusion of having answers. Just a beautiful, compassionate shared perspective on how we can navigate these ever shifting seasons of our lives. Always impeccably timed too.
Been in the realms of feeling shifting energies of life, mood more sombre, stoical, humble. Noticing my energy drop physically, while I turn inwards and find the anchoring points required to navigate. We are in the house move process, our son is 8 and feeling a lot of new emotions, our car is about to cease working, also attempting to establish a new way of earning money, use nature as therapy, help new dads, study child psychology… if I’m all at sea, then I’m prone to seek old coping mechanisms that only compound the struggle.
So, I’ve chosen a mantra to mentally stroke… Structure, discipline, respect. To give my experience a boundary that keeps me in check when I could disapperate.
Much love to all steering the dad ship. Roll into your weekend knowing we’re all here saluting you.
I needed this one more than I realised. As a new dad for the second time, I'm probably dangerously close to closing up that well as we battle through the early madness of no sleep and trying to ensure our 4 year old doesn't feel put out (a monumental task in itself). This is a timely reminder to dip into those feelings, thank you.
Also thoroughly enjoyed the reference to Timmy O'Toole, even if it was shoehorned in at the end!
This was beautiful today. Thank you, Kevin.
This is an element of fatherhood I’m fascinated by but have no direct experience of. The vortex you can get pulled into by emotions has been—at least as I move into the tenth year of being a father—familiar territory. I’m someone who has Big Feelings and have had them my whole life. It’s partially why I never earned a full, executive-level membership into the Man Club. Growing up, I cried all the time; I wore my heart on all my sleeves. I said the quiet parts out loud. Older siblings and cousins who learned otherwise found me odd and alienating. I found me odd and alienating! But this also allowed me to develop the vocabulary and comfort with this side of me that, well into their 40s and 50s, I am seeing close friends and relatives around me just start to come around to. I’m now realizing how influential emotional intelligence and fluency has been. It played a role in my education and pursuit of the Humanities (while other people did far more sensible and lucrative things). It has been a cornerstone of my professional life as a teacher. It has massively shaped my marriage to someone who grew up finding feelings unsafe and who still tries her best (with full awareness of the liability) to avoid feeling feelings entirely (her words).
What I am watching myself do that is new and kind of dangerous in this regard has to do with anger and resentment. I have reached a new experience in allowing myself to feel anger, kind of for the first time in my adult life. As a depressive, that energy was always directed within. And I’m building a fluency, after a good bout with a Major Mood Disorder, to direct it elsewhere. Hopefully in productive and not destructive ways. Resentment, too, has entered the chat, mainly because I’m an impatient person who doesn’t feel believed, and so when all these blokes come crying to me about how their dads didn’t love them or how they had to kill parts of themselves to join the Man Club (an initiatory experience of which involved harassing people like me), I kind of don’t have easy access to equanimity or compassion. At least not at first.
Oh gosh. Sorry to unfold all that like that. I have some work to do.
Wow, thanks for sharing. I'm really glad that you were able to retain contact with that part and that you didn't sacrifice/hate/shame/kill it to fit in. That courage is now a superpower.
It makes sense that you have a lot of anger towards those who tried to fit in by trying to conquer you. I can't help but muse at the fact that these men coming to you now sound like an opportunity for you both: for them to apologize for what they did to others similar to the young you, and for you to witness and react in the way you needed back then. It's like a time machine back to those early days.
Every time brother. I love you. I love your intellect, emotional range and humour. You’re able to cut to the core without preaching or giving the illusion of having answers. Just a beautiful, compassionate shared perspective on how we can navigate these ever shifting seasons of our lives. Always impeccably timed too.
Been in the realms of feeling shifting energies of life, mood more sombre, stoical, humble. Noticing my energy drop physically, while I turn inwards and find the anchoring points required to navigate. We are in the house move process, our son is 8 and feeling a lot of new emotions, our car is about to cease working, also attempting to establish a new way of earning money, use nature as therapy, help new dads, study child psychology… if I’m all at sea, then I’m prone to seek old coping mechanisms that only compound the struggle.
So, I’ve chosen a mantra to mentally stroke… Structure, discipline, respect. To give my experience a boundary that keeps me in check when I could disapperate.
Much love to all steering the dad ship. Roll into your weekend knowing we’re all here saluting you.
Pete
Thanks Pete. Always good to hear from a fellow traveller.
I needed this one more than I realised. As a new dad for the second time, I'm probably dangerously close to closing up that well as we battle through the early madness of no sleep and trying to ensure our 4 year old doesn't feel put out (a monumental task in itself). This is a timely reminder to dip into those feelings, thank you.
Also thoroughly enjoyed the reference to Timmy O'Toole, even if it was shoehorned in at the end!
“Quiet Marge, he’s a good digger!”
love this perspective. thank you for writing
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I read it once a year (at least).
Never fails to deliver.
"Like Batman Begins. But with more crying." Amazing!. For me poetry by Mary Ruefle always helps: https://granta.com/three-poems-ruefle/.