So, why do things get easier after they're five? There's a load of reasons, and if any dads reading this want to offer their own, please do! But I think the main thing is that parenting becomes a lot less physical. You're lifting them less, running around after them less, spending less your time crawling around on the floor picking up toys. I went deep into this here: https://www.thenewfatherhood.org/p/lets-get-physical
Kevin I have a question, did you manage to get some fresh air before going back in the tunnel? If your kids are 5 and 10 it sounds like you've been in there a long time!
I know this isn't quite the prompt, but I wanted to encourage any dads going through the very beginning stages of the tunnel that it truly does get SO much more rewarding around month 2 into month 3.
We joke that our 11 weeker just had a "factory reset". He's learning so quickly and is so much more interactive and for lack of a better word....fun! If you're in the trenches of the newborn phase, just know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
they don't call it the 4th trimester for nothing. Had a friend to referred to it as 'semi-sentient potato phase' and she was not wrong. happily it flies by and it is so much easier when they start responding!
My kids are 3 and 5, and am already feeling like I'm coming out of the tunnel. The two big differences for me are:
1) They are playing more independently. They don't need me paying attention to them constantly. My 5 year old can take a Lego kit and go off and build it by himself for an hour and just needs me to share his celebration when he's done. Even my 3 year old was playing by herself in a pool for a couple hours at a weekend getaway.
2) They are sleeping better. My older one is a good sleeper but my younger has been a nightmare and the lack of sleep was brutal.
Being able to have a little more time to myself and be awake enough to be out of constant survival mode feels like a blessing.
Agree, independent play and sleep make the world of difference.
So does mental maturity. You can have something approaching a conversation with a 6 year old in a way that you can't with a 3 year old. And those conversations can help you (and them) understand what's causing them pain or joy, meaning you're not endlessly repeating the same challenges.
that shift to discussion - rather than primarily dictating for them what's in their best interests - has made a big difference for me.
This was the big turning point for us as well. My wife and I are both introverted and our oldest continues to be a big extravert and needed a lot of attention even when he was old enough to be independent. So when the youngest was old enough to play with him it was a game changer.
Same. My daughters are 3 and almost 6 and I feel like I can finally start doing things again. Sleep helps me so much and they will now play for an hour at a time (interrupted by a brief fight of course). Kindergarten is not exactly the break I thought it'd be with the short school day and so many days off so still having to rethink if I can go back to work full time or not.
Thanks for the great arena for dads, it’s really hitting me at a time when I need it badly. Responding to another comment, kindergarten has got me buggin. My oldest is headed to K in the fall and I feel like he is not emotionally prepared, socially he still feels like a baby to me. The younger one (almost 3) could go to K tomorrow. Anybody feeling this, and any words of wisdom?
No answers for you, but I can share a bit. We only have the one. She turned 4 in December (so another year and a half before kindergarten), and has been just kicking down developmental doors ever since. She has gone from exclusively drawing squiggles to independently drawing real (and pretend) animals. It's been elephants over the last couple days. Over the last month or so, she has started really associating and playing with her pre-k classmates, whereas before she had been mostly solitary. Man, the smile on my face when we were at the park the other day and another kid came over to show off her flip-sequin shirt, which then lead to the two of them playing together for an hour, with barely a word to me. Such a monumental social jump for her. So, anyway, maybe even that little more time before September will get your kid there where they need to be.
They tend to make a pretty big leap developmentally and socially around the start-of-school age. Both my daughters started kindergarten earlier than we thought (we didn’t have a preschool), and they did surprisingly well. And then about 3 or 4 months in, we noticed how much they had changed just by being with so many peers, forming their class community, and building relationships with adults who aren’t family members. Wild how much they can leap.
About 2 months away from our second arriving and our first is 2.5. My wife and I both struggled with losing ourselves a bit as hobbies and such took a backseat and now I'm worried anything left that we had will disappear as we dive deeper into our tunnel. Any advice from those out or close to out regarding keeping one's interests alive even though you have no time or energy for them?
I am a voracious, compulsive reader, and since becoming a father, the time (and the times when I have the energy to focus) is mostly gone. My kids are nearly 9 and nearly 7 now, and they’re finally able to find their own amusement, but I had a few years when I just gave up trying to read (which was rough since I foolishly started grad school the same summer my second was born). It got better when I could be a bit more gentle with myself—letting go of the “there are SO MANY things to read, and I NEED to get to it all!” feeling—and be okay not reading the books I wanted to spend time with, not progressing at all some weeks. Telling myself that it’s okay if I didn’t read today, I can try again tomorrow, and finishing the novel/essay/anthology isn’t actually going to do anything in and of itself. I actually feel a bit more appreciative for reading because I can get to it when I am available and enjoy it all the more slowly, savoring the language and story.
But also, I started reading more poetry during these tunnel years, which is just so economical.
We are in a very similar boat: two boys, 25mo & 5mo here. I was more anxious in some ways about the second. I think my wife and I both learned that we needed to keep some hobbies/time for ourselves over the course of the first 2 years with our first and have been much more proactive about scheduling rec sports, social groups, whatever for ourselves. My wife is less anxious about leaving the kids than she was when our oldest was an infant.
This too shall pass - get through the fourth trimester, and suddenly the lump starts smiling back at you and giggling and everything gets better :) now I'm just looking forward to when their naps might sync up...
All I can say is that I empathize with you! Communicate with your partner about this and make sure you prioritize the little time you have (and saving the energy so that you can take advantage of it). I remember how hard it was in the middle of it, but it feels like such a short time looking back.
I have two boys, 25mo and 5mo. The toddler has recently taken to biting, hitting, and kicking and it's really bothering me. I know it's developmentally normal and am trying to both explain what hands & teeth CAN be used for vs. can't, as well as give him other tools to recognize and deal with emotions like frustration, but I sometimes fear he's too young to understand me. I also think he's starting to become jealous of the attention that his younger brother gets, especially as the little one starts to teethe.
Any light for this especially dark section of The Tunnel would be much appreciated :)
Something that helped us with the sibling jealousy (very similar age gap) was "special play time" - every evening one of us would give the older kid a period (10 mins or so) of completely undivided one-on-one attention. She got to direct the activities, no phones, no sibling, just her and a parent. Once she knew it was part of the routine it helped (a little...it's all about the tiny incremental improvements!).
So, why do things get easier after they're five? There's a load of reasons, and if any dads reading this want to offer their own, please do! But I think the main thing is that parenting becomes a lot less physical. You're lifting them less, running around after them less, spending less your time crawling around on the floor picking up toys. I went deep into this here: https://www.thenewfatherhood.org/p/lets-get-physical
Kevin I have a question, did you manage to get some fresh air before going back in the tunnel? If your kids are 5 and 10 it sounds like you've been in there a long time!
I know this isn't quite the prompt, but I wanted to encourage any dads going through the very beginning stages of the tunnel that it truly does get SO much more rewarding around month 2 into month 3.
We joke that our 11 weeker just had a "factory reset". He's learning so quickly and is so much more interactive and for lack of a better word....fun! If you're in the trenches of the newborn phase, just know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
they don't call it the 4th trimester for nothing. Had a friend to referred to it as 'semi-sentient potato phase' and she was not wrong. happily it flies by and it is so much easier when they start responding!
My kids are 3 and 5, and am already feeling like I'm coming out of the tunnel. The two big differences for me are:
1) They are playing more independently. They don't need me paying attention to them constantly. My 5 year old can take a Lego kit and go off and build it by himself for an hour and just needs me to share his celebration when he's done. Even my 3 year old was playing by herself in a pool for a couple hours at a weekend getaway.
2) They are sleeping better. My older one is a good sleeper but my younger has been a nightmare and the lack of sleep was brutal.
Being able to have a little more time to myself and be awake enough to be out of constant survival mode feels like a blessing.
Agree, independent play and sleep make the world of difference.
So does mental maturity. You can have something approaching a conversation with a 6 year old in a way that you can't with a 3 year old. And those conversations can help you (and them) understand what's causing them pain or joy, meaning you're not endlessly repeating the same challenges.
that shift to discussion - rather than primarily dictating for them what's in their best interests - has made a big difference for me.
This was the big turning point for us as well. My wife and I are both introverted and our oldest continues to be a big extravert and needed a lot of attention even when he was old enough to be independent. So when the youngest was old enough to play with him it was a game changer.
Same. My daughters are 3 and almost 6 and I feel like I can finally start doing things again. Sleep helps me so much and they will now play for an hour at a time (interrupted by a brief fight of course). Kindergarten is not exactly the break I thought it'd be with the short school day and so many days off so still having to rethink if I can go back to work full time or not.
Thanks for the great arena for dads, it’s really hitting me at a time when I need it badly. Responding to another comment, kindergarten has got me buggin. My oldest is headed to K in the fall and I feel like he is not emotionally prepared, socially he still feels like a baby to me. The younger one (almost 3) could go to K tomorrow. Anybody feeling this, and any words of wisdom?
No answers for you, but I can share a bit. We only have the one. She turned 4 in December (so another year and a half before kindergarten), and has been just kicking down developmental doors ever since. She has gone from exclusively drawing squiggles to independently drawing real (and pretend) animals. It's been elephants over the last couple days. Over the last month or so, she has started really associating and playing with her pre-k classmates, whereas before she had been mostly solitary. Man, the smile on my face when we were at the park the other day and another kid came over to show off her flip-sequin shirt, which then lead to the two of them playing together for an hour, with barely a word to me. Such a monumental social jump for her. So, anyway, maybe even that little more time before September will get your kid there where they need to be.
They tend to make a pretty big leap developmentally and socially around the start-of-school age. Both my daughters started kindergarten earlier than we thought (we didn’t have a preschool), and they did surprisingly well. And then about 3 or 4 months in, we noticed how much they had changed just by being with so many peers, forming their class community, and building relationships with adults who aren’t family members. Wild how much they can leap.
About 2 months away from our second arriving and our first is 2.5. My wife and I both struggled with losing ourselves a bit as hobbies and such took a backseat and now I'm worried anything left that we had will disappear as we dive deeper into our tunnel. Any advice from those out or close to out regarding keeping one's interests alive even though you have no time or energy for them?
I am a voracious, compulsive reader, and since becoming a father, the time (and the times when I have the energy to focus) is mostly gone. My kids are nearly 9 and nearly 7 now, and they’re finally able to find their own amusement, but I had a few years when I just gave up trying to read (which was rough since I foolishly started grad school the same summer my second was born). It got better when I could be a bit more gentle with myself—letting go of the “there are SO MANY things to read, and I NEED to get to it all!” feeling—and be okay not reading the books I wanted to spend time with, not progressing at all some weeks. Telling myself that it’s okay if I didn’t read today, I can try again tomorrow, and finishing the novel/essay/anthology isn’t actually going to do anything in and of itself. I actually feel a bit more appreciative for reading because I can get to it when I am available and enjoy it all the more slowly, savoring the language and story.
But also, I started reading more poetry during these tunnel years, which is just so economical.
I like the oxygen mask analogy - if you don't take care of your own needs you won't be in the right shape to meet your kids' needs.
We are in a very similar boat: two boys, 25mo & 5mo here. I was more anxious in some ways about the second. I think my wife and I both learned that we needed to keep some hobbies/time for ourselves over the course of the first 2 years with our first and have been much more proactive about scheduling rec sports, social groups, whatever for ourselves. My wife is less anxious about leaving the kids than she was when our oldest was an infant.
This too shall pass - get through the fourth trimester, and suddenly the lump starts smiling back at you and giggling and everything gets better :) now I'm just looking forward to when their naps might sync up...
All I can say is that I empathize with you! Communicate with your partner about this and make sure you prioritize the little time you have (and saving the energy so that you can take advantage of it). I remember how hard it was in the middle of it, but it feels like such a short time looking back.
Not on topic, but one day until the new 28 minute Bluey! I am maybe as excited as our 4 y/o.
I have two boys, 25mo and 5mo. The toddler has recently taken to biting, hitting, and kicking and it's really bothering me. I know it's developmentally normal and am trying to both explain what hands & teeth CAN be used for vs. can't, as well as give him other tools to recognize and deal with emotions like frustration, but I sometimes fear he's too young to understand me. I also think he's starting to become jealous of the attention that his younger brother gets, especially as the little one starts to teethe.
Any light for this especially dark section of The Tunnel would be much appreciated :)
Something that helped us with the sibling jealousy (very similar age gap) was "special play time" - every evening one of us would give the older kid a period (10 mins or so) of completely undivided one-on-one attention. She got to direct the activities, no phones, no sibling, just her and a parent. Once she knew it was part of the routine it helped (a little...it's all about the tiny incremental improvements!).