Stop Doing Your Hunting Alone

Finding Presence in Parenting

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Jan 30, 2025

This week’s essay is from Joseph Dana, who previously wrote about tilling the soil of his psyche as part of our psychedelic parenting series. Screen time is a fascinating subject, and one never far from my mind. In the early days of this newsletter, I, like most new parents of young children, went deep on what it meant for our kids: what are the costs versus the benefits, how much is right, how can you think about “screen time well spent.” I even roped in the big guns: Jacqueline Nesi from Techno Sapiens.

But lately I’ve started to feel my centre of gravity shift—focusing more on my own behaviours than the rules I want to instil at home. I want to be more of a “Do As I Do” dad and less of a “Do As I Say” one. These glowing dopamine machines are filled with apps designed to delight, bring forth knowledge into the world, feed your greatest desires and solve your biggest problems (even if that problem is “I can’t be bothered cooking, can we order something tonight?”) But what do they take in exchange?

I’ve been trying to cut my own screen time down. It’s been a classic battle between good and evil. Some weeks I’m winning; others, I’m having my arse handed to me. I know I’m not the only one reading this feeling the same—Joseph sends this missive from along the path.

My attempts to regain control of my attention from the army of smart devices around me have failed. I was reminded of this when Kevin shared an app in The Dadscord that makes your smartphone into a dumb phone. He reported that his smartphone usage was down so much that his children took note of his renewed presence. The app is slick, and I had limited success with it when it first hit the market last year. However, I eventually deleted it and returned to my old habits of using my smartphone as an escape hatch from the grind of parenting—and life itself.

The allure of the smartphone is strong for parents of small children like myself. It is a harshly addictive outlet that helps sleep-deprived parents, in various stages of losing and regaining their sense of self, cope with the challenges of raising little people. In the absence of community, where else can we turn for relief but the smartphone?

Yet, stepping back, I feel shattered that these devices and what they represent are in my house during this special time. It’s not a nice position to be in, but every parent faces it. You want some time alone and maybe a leisurely morning to loaf around amid sleeplessness and fatigue. But as soon as you regain that freedom when your children get older, you want to be needed by them.

During school holidays, these conflicting feelings get sharper. I see the same thing playing out with friends and strangers alike. Go to a coffee shop early on a weekend morning, and you will likely see a parent consumed by an Instagram feed or buzzing WhatsApp messages as their children try to capture their attention. I’m guilty of these trends, and that’s why I’m upset. The idea that a technology company is constantly refining advanced ways to steal my attention from my children during this sacred time is enough to make anyone extremely angry. There seems to be no end in sight as the algorithms improve and our collective drain grows deeper.

I wrote about how psychedelics can help parents be genuinely present, but they aren’t a perfect solution. For psychedelics to work, the user must engage in serious preparation and integration work. It’s like training for a marathon without considering the importance of diet and rest. Another avenue worth exploring is building a community and sharing the parenting load from a spiritual perspective. However, in our isolated and remote world, many parenting communities are on the platforms contributing to the problem.

On a particularly cold weekend in July, I went to the Cederberg mountains with a group of close male friends, some with children and some without. One friend with experience in men’s work spoke about how our ancestors went on hunting expeditions for weeks on end. During these expeditions, problems were discussed and resolved. The burden of raising a family took on a collective dynamic, and eventually, the group would return with food. Humans have lived this way much longer than they have lived in our current dynamic. No wonder we feel so alone and are constantly reaching for the smartphone to feel an illusionary sense of community. Each of us is doing our hunting alone.

I don’t have many solutions to the grave challenge facing parents right now, but I see how we are harming ourselves and our children. I shudder to think what the parenting world will be like for my children’s generation. We should remember that raising small children, though difficult, is one of the most blessed times of a parent’s life. It doesn’t last forever. So, mute the WhatsApp groups for a week. Delete Instagram from your phone. Reflect on the addictive pull of the device. Observe it quietly and without judgment, as you might observe your breath during meditation or breathwork. These moments of presence and reflection are a way of seeing the addiction. It might be impossible to break, but the best we can do is strive to create awareness around it and create space to take back some power we’ve given over to our devices.

The demands on parents are particularly intense, so it makes sense that we look to our phones for brief moments of escape. It’s important to go gently on ourselves here. Parenting has never been harder than it is right now. We have an awareness of what needs to shift, which comes with the responsibility to shift it.

Now is the beginning of embracing the present moment.

3 things to read this week

“How ‘Inside Out’ and Its Sequel Changed Therapy” by Melena Ryzik in The New York Times. Pixar’s Inside Out 2 crushed the box office before dominating Disney+. Now, it’s making its way into classrooms and therapy sessions, helping kids (and, let’s be honest, adults, too) put words to their emotions. Ryzik explores how educators and psychologists are using the film to teach emotional intelligence, and why sometimes, you need a little Anxiety to get things done. “I cannot tell you how common it is for kids or parents to come to me saying, in a fearful voice, ‘I think I have anxiety,’ and how frequently I need to say, well, of course you do. It’s how you’ve survived to this point.”
“More Teens Report Using ChatGPT for Schoolwork” by Kyle Wiggers in Techcrunch. File under “things we’re all going to have to start worrying about soon.” More than a quarter of teens have admitted to using ChatGPT for homework—and if those taking it were honest, I’m sure the number would easily be twice that. Teachers are worried, students are experimenting, and OpenAI is scrambling to keep up. Are we looking at the end of the essay as a way of measuring intelligence and performance?
“It’s Time to Quit DoorDash and Uber Eats” by P.E. Moskowitz in GQ. Little to do with fatherhood, but if you still want to scratch that itch in rethinking your relationship with technology, this will be up your street. The convenience is undeniable: a few taps and dinner appears at your door. But at what cost? “What once felt like a minor modern luxury has somehow become a crutch, draining wallets, hurting small restaurants, and leaving gig workers in a lurch. It’s time to re-evaluate. ”But regardless of my use in any given week, what’s important is that the small thing has led to a bigger thing: realizing I have much more agency than I thought I did, and that corporations are built on the back of us thinking we don’t have any.”

Sunday, Monday, Dadurdays. Tuesday, Wednesday, Dadurdays …

While reading Joseph’s essay, I felt the deep fault line running throughout in how we show up for each other. “In the absence of community, where else can we turn for relief but the smartphone?” Followed by the kicker of how “in our isolated and remote world, many parenting communities are on the platforms contributing to the problem.”

There’s a Faustian pact in asking you to use WhatsApp to meet up with each other. I’m working on keeping my screen time down—I’m trying Ringo, I’m trying real hard—but simultaneously sending out messages to organise more meetups. It seems like the only way, for now at least. Hit reply and let me know if you have a better idea!

Let’s not do our hunting alone. Details for groups can be found at Dadurdays.org

Yes, that was a Happy Days reference in the subhead. If you clocked that, congratulations, you are officially old.

Previously on The New Fatherhood

We carried on talking about faith, religion and more in the comments of last week’s essay. It is worth checking them out, especially thankful for Ivor sharing Keanu Reeve’s response to Stephen Colbert asking, “What happens when we die?”

Good Dadvice

Say Hello

Fun fact: There has been a bit of spam in some Dadurdays groups—one or two messages, tops. But New York has probably had more spam than the other groups combined. We had Judy, Karen, Lori, Joann and Marie offering their “services” to the dads there. It was a borderline “Mambo No. 5” remake. As of today, you will need to be approved once you request to join that group, making the New York group the first to erect the velvet rope and bouncer. All are welcome, unless you’re a half-naked woman flogging your OnlyFans. Half-naked dads are encouraged.

If you laughed at least once, that means you need to take the very last chance to get a 33% discount on a paid subscription. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. Offer ends tomorrow. How was it for you?

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Essay by Joseph Dana. Go read his newsletter Both/And. Illustration by Tony Johnson. Branding by Selman Design.