Now Hiring: Modern Father

A job description you’d be out of your mind to consider

Apply Now? Are you sure?

Here at Parenthood Inc. we’re excited to add to our ever-growing network of more than 3.7 billion employees worldwide. Successful applicants will be required to start their new role sometime during the next nine months—whether they feel ready or not. They will be required to continue in this role for at least 18 years, if not longer. (Your contract will stipulate some get-out-clauses, but be warned: they may damage your reputation, social standing, and emotional well-being.)

A successful applicant will need to become an overnight expert in all matters across the Parenthood vertical: understanding the complex needs of the market, the shifting trends and research recommendations, and a large number of new skills that are hands-on and time-sensitive.

You’ve probably heard this before, but at Parenthood Inc. we’re more like a family than a team. As a Modern Father, you’ll be expected to join an intense environment where we work hard and play hard. Or, more accurately: we work hard, then fall asleep on the sofa during a fourth concurrent night attempting to watch Killers of the Flower Moon. There will be late nights (many) and early mornings (ditto), and you'll be expected to be on call every weekend.

Role and responsibilities

Candidates are warned not to confuse the Modern Father position for historical roles at Parenthood Inc. Previous job titles that you may be familiar with—such as Traditional Father or Old-School Father—dealt with fewer critical work streams in an attempt to reduce the overlap of responsibilities with the Mother role. But recent headwinds have required new synergies, so at Parenthood Inc. we’ve begun the complicated work of dividing labour equally across the roles of Modern Father and Modern Mother. We’re not there yet, but hey, Romulus wasn’t raised in a day.

You may be thinking the old Traditional Father role was an easier option. In this, you would be 100% correct. As a Modern Father you'll be expected to be hands-on across all types of projects—moving beyond the historical areas of breadwinner and disciplinarian—and now meaningfully participate in the hundreds of responsibilities previously executed by Mothers alone.

On the topic of Mothers. In your role as a Modern Father, you may choose to partner with a Modern Mother. This isn’t essential—certain teams at Parenthood Inc. operate without both roles filled, and an increasing number of teams comprise two Mothers or two Fathers (which research has shown “can result in better outcomes in some domains”). Regardless, having a strong partner to support you in this role will make success more likely and reduce the chance of you being overwhelmed by your direct reports.

Due to the sensitive nature of the work of Parenthood Inc. we can't share extended details on potential projects. But we’re happy to inform you that your work will be focused on Cognitive Harmony Initiation and Lifestyle Dynamics. The CHILD initiative aims to empower small teams to collaborate (very) intimately to launch characteristic-inheriting projects influenced over an extended timeline by cross-functional teams.

Key Experience Required

The role is intense and demanding, so it may be surprising to learn that zero experience or previous training is required. However, Parenthood Inc. will provide ample opportunities for on-the-job training, and our best recruits work hard to learn from other Modern Fathers on the team. Some of our current employees have been here for decades and have successfully launched multiple CHILD projects. Some of those CHILDs have since been recruited as Modern Fathers themselves!

If you’ve previously worked in the Modern Father role, you may be considering taking on additional CHILD responsibilities. Be warned—your previous experience may fool you into believing this will be easier. It will not! Having to divide your time across multiple projects can seriously affect your physical and emotional well-being, your work-life balance, and your ability to do anything except focus on the many trials and tribulations that another CHILD can bring. However, seeing two CHILDs interact with each other will make it all worthwhile. Eventually.

Salary

Eeeeeeeshhh. This is where it gets tricky. You see, we've had Modern Mothers working at Parenthood Inc. for a long time now, and they've only been offered a minimal compensation package: they are paid a nominal fee (with the nominal amount being “jack shit”) and are required to be fulfilled and sustained by occasional peer recognition and job satisfaction.

Mothers have remained unpaid for their CHILD-rearing work for centuries. The last few decades have seen a meaningful shift in Mothers contributing the necessary revenue to launch a CHILD. However, their work has been hindered by the gender wage gap: in all countries in which Parenthood Inc. operates, women earn less than men—as much as 31% less in South Korea, 27% in Japan, 18% in the US, and even in the progressive promised lands of Scandinavia Swedish women earn 10% less than their male counterparts.

Many theories have been put forward to explain this gap. Research has indicated that having children may be the key contributor—a trend referred to as the “motherhood penalty.” Mothers experience a drop of up to 60% in their earnings following the decade after the birth of their first child. They see their salary decline by 5% per child compared to non-mothers. Companies are less likely to employ them. Those who get a job are offered lower salaries “because mothers were perceived as less committed to paid work and less competent relative to other employees in similar positions in the company.” Societal attitudes continue to place the burden of unpaid childcare onto the shoulders of the mother, meaning the motherhood penalty is now the most significant driver of the gender pay gap.

Is there any good news? Well, it depends on what’s hanging between your legs. If the gender pay gap and the motherhood penalty aren’t making things tough enough for Modern Mothers, recent research has shed light on the “fatherhood bonus.” Whilst having children is detrimental to female earning power, men can expect to see the opposite: dads who work full-time are paid 21% more than those who remain child-free, and men can expect to see their earnings increase by 6% per child as fatherhood is considered to signal “a greater work commitment, stability, and deservingness” even whilst mothers are “perceived as exhausted and distracted at work, rendering them less productive.”

You may be thinking: “This is bullshit.” You would be right. Parenthood Inc. acknowledges our need to do better in this space and encourages all our employees to defang, dismantle and smash the shady historical multinational corporation that operates under the moniker of The Patriarchy. Of course, you’ll be expected to do this in your spare time.

Location

Successful applicants will be expected to work from home and be available for parenting duties 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Whilst we don’t foresee this intense commitment being required beyond an initial few years, you should expect to be woken up for parenting duties at any time, day or night, until your CHILD is successfully launched into independence.

Legal Disclaimer

You may have previously been involved in a former iteration of this company: Fatherhood Inc. and the aforementioned role of Traditional Father. Parenthood Inc. cannot accept liability for any trauma, distress or other mental anguish caused by a Traditional Father, and we strongly recommend applicants to this role take the appropriate time and support to deal with these issues before becoming a Modern Father. Any issues not dealt with beforehand risk being passed on to your CHILD. Additional reading on this subject can be found here.

Working at Parenthood Inc

We believe that the unique contributions of all our employees create our success. To ensure that our products and culture continue to incorporate everyone’s perspectives and experiences, we do not discriminate based on race, religion, national origin, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation or age (except when it comes to how much you get paid in your job, and then all bets are off). We encourage our employees to bring their whole selves to the role of Modern Father, and whilst a sense of humour isn't essential to the job, it sure helps.

Finally, while there is no uniform policy for the Modern Father, most successful applicants eventually end up wearing white socks, New Balance shoes, cargo pants, and wrap-around shades. Usually, this can be considered “cringe,” especially if your CHILD has been in the world for more than thirteen years. But—at the time of writing, at least—these items seem to be back on trend.

Even a broken clock is wrong twice a day. Enjoy it while it lasts.

---

3 things to read this week

1. “My IVF Years” by Zach Baron in GQ. Here’s something you don’t see every day—a raw and vulnerable retelling of the IVF process from dad’s perspective. The author admits, “It took a long time for me to figure out how to even write this piece because it’s not really mine to write,” and then proceeds to retell his rocky road to becoming a father, touching upon life advice from 50 Cent, and spending 9/11 masturbating into a cup.

2. “What is the Stuff of Dreams?” by Nishant Jain in The SneakyArt Post. It’s almost five years since the last (and hopefully final) time I experienced a newborn child entering my life. Those early days are a blur and I’m always thankful for the opportunity to see it through the eyes of another. Hooray for Nishant and his combined gift of language and linework documenting the early days of becoming a dad. This is one of many essays filled with mullings on minutiae, as a new dad comprehends that life will never be as it was before: “He does not consider it impolite to poop even while we are cleaning his earlier poo. Does he not feel embarrassment? Has he no sense of shame? Behind those tiny human eyes, there are no self-conscious hesitations at all.”

3. “Inventing the Perfect College Applicant” by Caitlin Moscatello in Intelligencer. Switching at breakneck speed from newborn baby to college applicant is this interview with New Yorker Christopher Rim, who—for the bargain price of $120,000—will work as a private consultant to ensure your beloved offspring bags a place in an Ivy League school. And it seems, from the unhappy parent anecdote at the end, that refunds aren’t available if he doesn’t succeed.

---

Listen to this

OK, so colossal caveat here: I haven’t listened to this yet. But Huberman meets Dr Becky is akin to Ali versus Frazier for a 2024 dad. But one thing I can’t get with—who the hell has almost three hours to listen to this? Come on Huberman, RELEASE THE PARENT CUT.

---

Good Dadvice

---

Say Hello

Going a little off the rails here. How’s the ride? Your feedback, as always, is welcomed.

Loved | Great | OK | Meh | Bad

Parenthood Inc. only exists thanks to the generous donations of our benefactors. Become one today.