Last month The Atlantic published “Why Parents Struggle in the World’s Richest Country.”1 The author, Stephanie H. Murray, moved from the US to the UK in 2019. During her time in Europe she came to a stark realisation: life is tougher for parents raising kids in America.
For most of my life, I have never felt anything but extreme, what-are-the-odds gratitude to have been born and raised in America. We have so much: a high median income, larger-than-average houses and some of the world’s most prestigious colleges and universities. When I tell people in the U.K. that I’ve moved there from the U.S., many respond with something to the effect of “Why on earth would you do that?”
But their tone changes a little when I mention having kids […] Of course, people in many other parts of the world experience levels of poverty, violence, and instability that are far worse. By that measure, many Americans are indeed very lucky. But the United States is a rich country, and it could afford to alleviate some of the challenges its parents face. Instead, the U.S. mostly regards children, and the vital task of raising them, as a personal matter.
I’ve been a dad in three cities now: London, San Francisco and Barcelona. Murray’s essay resonated hard. I’ve felt firsthand how hard it is to raise a family in the United States—particularly in a city where a combined family income of under $150,000 is considered to be below the poverty line.
When relocating from Google in London to a team in San Francisco I was sent an updated contract and was delighted—a significant pay rise, close to a 50% bump. Then we landed and were hit with the brass tacks. $5,000 a month in rent. $1,000 a month for our daughter to spend two days a week in daycare. $25 an hour if we wanted a babysitter. The widely accepted insanity that date night would leave you at least $150 out of pocket—and that was just for tacos in the Mission. We’d never been so well paid on paper. But when it came to the end of the month, we’d be searching down the back of the sofa for two cents to rub together.
The cost of living in major American cities is only part of the story. If you’re raising kids there you have to deal with a series of rakes to the face that don’t exist for parents in the rest of the world. America is one of only seven countries without guaranteed paid maternity leave (alongside the Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Palau, Papua New Guinea, Suriname, and Tonga). The lack of public healthcare means those without a suitable insurance plan will shell out an average of $18,865 to have their baby. And that’s before we get into the whole “gun thing,” a level of existential dread that parents outside the country can’t begin to comprehend.
Murray wonders if she’ll ever be able to move back to a place where parents need to “navigate threats to your kids’ safety and your family’s financial stability that you would not have to consider if you lived in any comparable country.” And she isn’t alone.
These issues were on our minds when we pulled the plug on our life in California in 2018. If you trace those branches back they are driven by one trunk of truth: where you reside has the most significant effect on your family’s quality of life. This was something I covered back in 2021, in an essay entitled How To Choose Where to Live:
Rather than asking whether remote work is here to stay, the question behind the question becomes one to investigate: if you can work from anywhere, where should you and your family live? If you only need to be in the office two days a week, should you keep paying a premium to live in a city? Where in the world might your children have the best opportunity? Where would you all be happiest? Where might you find that magical, ineffable thing—a better quality of life— that we seek?
We’ve been in Barcelona for five years now. Raising kids here is easier—and more fulfilling—than anywhere I’ve lived. Part of that is climate—I’ve always found a good parenting rule of thumb is “If in doubt, just add water,” and we’re never far from a beach or a bumper pack of water balloons. Another huge contributor is how family-friendly and cross-generational life is here—it’s baked into Mediterranean culture that children are something to be cherished; I’ve lost count of the number of times an abuela has stopped us on the plaza to coo over the kids. It isn’t perfect—but that’s a story for another time.
This essay isn’t an attempt to shit on parents in America. (According to the stats that’s 59% of you, so it’d be bad business if nothing else.) But having raised kids inside and outside the United States, it feels like an important topic to discuss. I’ve spent longer going back and forth on this essay than usual and am feeling uncomfortable hitting the send button (which has been, for the three years of writing this newsletter, an instinct that I’ve learned to lean into).
In this post-pandemic world, the changing nature of how and where we work can offer parents the opportunity to leverage location to build a better life for their family. But for many, the idea of “deciding” where to live is a fallacy—a mere pipe dream, with no choice but to fight the good fight from within. For those parents, Murray’s essay is fuel to the fire, and a rallying cry for long-overdue change.
I shared this essay in our community last month, and it kicked off a great conversation. With the permission of the dads who participated, I wanted to present two perspectives here—one from the US and one from the UK.
N. (U.S.) All of this rings true. It’s massively expensive raising kids here. There’s absolutely no support, and we are on our own to find, vet, and pay for childcare providers. Many public schools aren’t good (because they’re underfunded and teachers underpaid), and private school tuition costs more than a community college education. Healthcare is cripplingly expensive and simultaneously subpar. Maternity and paternity leave doesn’t exist, unless it’s unpaid. And even then, it’s very short. Oh, and yeah, the violence. The best idea we have for that seems to be to arm the underpaid teachers, none of whom have any firearms or crisis training.
And another perspective, as a small business owner. The onus is on me to provide costly healthcare insurance. This puts a huge financial burden on my business, limiting the amount we can pay in salaries and adding levels of administrative work that take away from what we’re in business to do. Plus, we offer maternity leave, for 12 weeks, which is cobbled together from a combination of paid time off and disability insurance. This adds further strain to the business should it be used and means we’re paying an employee not to work. Proud to offer it, because it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very taxing on the business. Yes, we also offer paternity leave.
America is a land of individualism. Part of that is what makes it great and full of opportunity. But the other side of that coin is that the main philosophy of America is “look out for number one.” Those of us who don’t see the world that way are in a Sisyphean battle.
Nothing epitomizes U.S. individualism quite like widespread gun ownership—and nothing more clearly illustrates the impossible burdens that individualism inevitably places on parents. No amount of tragedy has yet convinced Americans to set aside their guns, so instead we saddle parents with the absurd task of protecting their children from other gun owners while also ensuring that the child never stumbles across a gun.
So, what do we do about it? Nothing. Nothing will change. Our country is too divided and too large and too different in worldview to even agree on daylight savings time, let alone basic human needs. It’s an individualistic meritocracy. But it’s at the same time a nepotistic plutocracy. So the hurdles are just hilariously impossible.
All this makes me sound anti-American. I’m not. It’s because I know how much better we could be that I have such strong criticism.
P. (Scotland) I had a 6 month stint in New York with the prospect of staying on (this was pre-kids). I will say the idea of sending my kids to school and having that little voice in the back of your head worry about gun violence or the worst case, a school shooting scenario (no matter how rare) did seriously put me off staying there. If I really wanted to kick my career up a notch and really go for it I definitely would have done it, we decided that it wouldn’t be the best place for us to raise a family.
We had one instance of a school shooting in Scotland in 1996 (the Dunblane massacre) and a whole bunch of laws and action happened off the back of that, we haven’t had a scenario to that degree since, but I know it’s woven into the very fabric of the constitution and a very hot topic.
Coming back to Scotland, I love raising my son here (except the long winters and the weather…) all our family is here and while I have romantic notions of living elsewhere, I know having his extended family around is really worth it.
Every parent (regardless of income) gets 1140 hours of government funded childcare from the ages of 3 and up. If you fall below certain income thresholds this can be accessed from the age of 2.
The Scottish government also send out a “new baby” box to every expectant parent, filled with books, blankets and other things, but the most important is that the box itself can be turned into a cot and you get a mattress and blanket to use as bedding - for those who can’t afford a cot who would be tempted to put the baby in the bed -
We have healthcare workers who come to the house at key stages of the baby’s development, take weight/height measurements, and generally review the surroundings the baby is growing up in to ensure they are safe.
The Scottish Book Trust also provide free books for children at specific points of their development all through to primary school. This is great for those without the means and their main goal is to help promote a love of reading and literacy.
This post is getting rather long—like N I didn’t know I cared so much until I actually started typing it out. I’m proud that Scotland really tries to make sure that no one is left behind when it comes to raising children and that so many resources are provided. I could keep going. But I’ll stop there.
And now, over to you
This story feels half-told. I’d love to hear from other dads around the world. For those in America—are these issues on your mind, and how are you navigating them? For dads elsewhere, what makes parenting easier—and harder—where you are?
It’s been a while since we piled into the comments. Let’s see how this goes.
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In Canada, we don’t have to pay for the delivery of the baby, and depending on income, you get a little money a month. We also have parental leave, which isn’t perfect but did allow me as a father to stay home for 3 months with my new born.
What I’d love to see here is for the government to pay one parent a yearly income to stay home with their kids. I think it’s so important that the first few years of a child’s life are with their families. Daycare is just not the same.
"This is the single most important and recurring question we've been asking ourselves in our little family of four. We've been living in London for 12 years now, after we left Italy. Our kids were born here and they've lived in Bermondsey for their whole lives.
I admit I dream about moving again. Moving to another country has been the most exhilarating experience I've ever had. The prospect of endless possibilities invigorates me, and the idea (probably flawed) of New York or Tokyo energizes me.
But I'm not a single person anymore. I'm a father, and my choices will have a huge impact on my kids' lives and futures. Is New York the right choice? Is London the right choice? Definitely, Italy is not the right one anymore for us.
I don't think there's a definitive answer. As Italo Calvino wrote, “You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours.”
What are the questions? Are these questions forever, or are they forever changing? The needs of a family with a newborn are dramatically different from those of a family with two teenagers. Should we move forever? What is home anymore?
I don't know. But I really look forward to drinking another coffee with you the next time I'm in Barcelona."