The New Fatherhood is an open and honest conversation about modern fatherhood, with a bunch of dads all trying to be a bit better at it. Here's a bit more information if you're new here. You are one of the 3,023 dads (and curious non-dads) signed up. If you've been forwarded this by someone else, why not get your own?
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few months reflecting on what The New Fatherhood is. Soon I’ll be taking you all closer to that thinking, and inviting you to help me shape what it might become. But before we get into all of that, I want to take a few minutes to talk about when this was all just fields ...
I can’t recall when or where I saw it, or who sent it to me, but at some point in the second half of 2020 I came across a short video by Kier Gaines—an entrepreneur, mental health professional, vlogger and father—talking about what it means to be a dad today.
You might have seen it. You might not have. Whatever your flavour, stop reading and go and watch it now.
It’s less than 2 minutes long. You won’t regret it.
When I saw this video it stopped me in my tracks. I’d been wrestling with my own perceptions and interpretations of fatherhood, and wondering how find a space to exist between the idea of fatherhood I’d inherited and the articulation I would see in the media and online.
You wouldn’t be reading this newsletter today if that video hadn’t arrived into my life at that time. After I watched Kier deliver his monologue—walking down the street, daughter in one hand, camera in the other—things immediately felt different. Pure honesty, vulnerability and a level of self-awareness that cut through all of the bullshit. Two years later I still get goosebumps every time I watch it, along with (I’m not afraid to admit) a non-trivial pang of jealousy: I wish I could write words this powerful. It’s inspirational, in every possible interpretation of the word.
I was thinking about what to share with you this week, going through notes, work-in-progress essays, the various janky parts of sellotaped together services that make up TNF’s “tech stack” (laughing to myself at how ridiculous that sounds as I write it) when I came across this video again. The power of this message hasn’t dimmed in the two years since it came into my orbit. A lot has happened since then. For all of us. But watching today I’m reminded of how listening to one dad talking honestly—about embracing the difficulties of fatherhood, and having to rise up to your past traumas to do so—could inspire others to do the same.
I was looking for a few quotes to drop into the essay here, and after a fair bit of Googling realised that no-one has transcribed this video. So I wanted to take this time to do so here.
“A lot of young men, particularly young black men, hit me up being like, “Yo, I can't wait to be a dad. I can't wait to be a father.”
And I love that because I think the men that were a generation before us got raised by the men that were a generation before them. And those men didn't really know Warm Love, because “a man” didn't express those things that way back then.
I feel like I owe those young men to tell them: bro, this is hard. Because it exposes things about you that you don't know about yourself. It exposes all of your insecurities.
And it's ... man. It's a huge emotional undertaking if you do it the right way. So while you see me and Noémie hugged up and loved up on each other, and we got this cute vlog and we make these cute videos and cute pictures—it’s because we put in an immense amount of work to make this thing happen.
Man, we do it every day. We'd be having sit-down vlogs and we be on the cusp of beefing with each other. But we find that one thing in common that always brings us back to remembering why we're together.
So, bruh, when you see this, and me playing with my baby, and it looks really cool, and you want to have those moments, just know—that's the upside. It comes with a downside and it can be incredibly painful—if you allow it to be.
So before you take on a family, go see somebody about your past, and go see somebody about the trauma that you've endured throughout the course of your life, and start healing.
Because if you don't heal from that? You’ll have all this and you'll never be happy. And I don't want that for nobody. Especially anybody who thinks that you can just pour water over a lady and a baby and have a happy family overnight.
THIS AIN’T OATMEAL MAN!”
This isn’t an interview unfortunately. Not yet, at least.
This is more a piece fatherhood crossover fanfic.
An appreciation post.
Thank you, Kier.
Good Dadvice
This week in the TNF community
Much like fatherhood, we’ve been figuring out this community thing as we go along. Last year Sam joined, and had a simple suggestion—a channel where dads could share some nice moments happening in their lives. The “A Good Day 💯” channel was born, and it’s become one of my favourite little corners on the internet.
This week one of the dads popped in to share that “I haven’t checked this channel for a while ... it’s TOTALLY AMAZING binging on all the great things happening.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Join the community. Your kids will be happy you did.
Previously on The New Fatherhood
Last weekend I wanted to know “how do you deal with stress?” Worth clicking through to read all the responses, but here’s a few that stood out.
“I decided to pay attention to where I needed the most beneficial thing that would enable everything else to flow and that for me was sleep, good quality, enough hours sleep. Which helps me function and have enough energy to fit other stuff in like exercise, seeing friends, walking in nature, playing with kids, I’m more present, less anxious and happier. Sleep more, drink less, cuddle more, think less.” Pete
“Furiously going for a walk for my goddamn stupid mental health, trying not to slam the door while I storm down the street heading to the woods, and then a few minutes later my jaw relaxes and then I have to tell my brain to “begin again” and stop replaying or imagining conversations and keeping the emotion going unnecessarily, and then maybe going to the corner shop for some chocolate or something and coming back much better. Also anything with water. Going swimming as a family is amazing.” James
“Knitting - just challenging enough to keep the conscious mind occupied and deeply relaxing. Plus you get to make something for the people you love. It's been a gamechanger for me, particularly during lockdown.” Simon
“If possible and appropriate, I try and remove myself from the stressful scenario. In the past I was never particularly good at recognising or accepting I was stressed out, then it would manifest itself in anger, or getting frustrated at the smallest things. By removing myself, taking a deep breath and assessing, I find myself in a much better position to deal with the issue at hand. I've also learnt to share my feelings, be it with my wife, my trusted friends or family or even my 2 year old daughter. Always seemed like a cliche, but talking definitely does help.” Chris
Yup, talking helps! So does typing things into a comment box too, as strange as it seems. Thanks to all of you who continue to take part in the weekly open threads.
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Branding by Selman Design. Thanks to Kier Gaines for posting that video back in 2020, and co-authoring this week’s essay. Kier, if you read this—all essay writers get paid $100 and also get a year’s annual membership to TNF, so let me know where I should post the check (or what charity to donate it to!) Subscribe to support The New Fatherhood and join a group of dads helping each other figure it out as we go. Money should never be a barrier to becoming a better parent—so if you want a subscription, but truly can't afford it, reply to this email and I will give you one, no questions asked. If you’d like to underwrite one of those subscriptions, you can donate one here.
I love that - great video. Talking of oatmeal, someone needs to do a motivational video to overcome the difficulties of cleaning up your kids' porridge oats. Because that really is oatmeal man and it flippin' well sticks to everything.