Kevin, thank you. Just discovered your stuff and this was the first thing I listened to. As a father of two sons, I really appreciated this piece, especially the way you surface the quiet loneliness many fathers carry but rarely name. One idea that stuck with me was the metaphor of fatherhood as a “junk drawer”. That we inherit a pile of scripts about what a man or dad is supposed to be, but we rarely stop to sort through them intentionally.
What struck me is how closely that connects to a broader question I’ve been wrestling with in my own writing - how much of masculinity is actually chosen, and how much is just a reaction to a traditional script. A lot of men don’t consciously author their values. They either inherit them wholesale or define themselves against what they think they shouldn’t be. Both paths can leave you untethered.
Your post seems to point toward a quieter alternative - that being a good father (and maybe a good man in general) isn’t about performing a role correctly, but about deciding deliberately what kind of person you want your kids to see when they look at you.
Curious how you think about this - do you think most men ever consciously choose their model of masculinity, or do we mostly absorb one by default and only question it if something breaks?
Good question! I spent some time with cousins in Ireland this week, as we came together to bury my aunt. It was clear that not every male cousin was seeking another version of masculinity and fatherhood, but we were all aware of the limitations and dangers of the one we’d inherited.
It’s often from a place of privilege, and the moment we find ourselves in. My dad was too busy focused on putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, battling at the base levels of Maslow’s pyramid. What it means to be a man is different today and has aligned with having the ability to be more intentional about how we show up for our families and ourselves.
Loved this conversation, and I'm so glad to see the podcast back!
The music connection to the road trip brought back happy memories of a cross-country roadtrip my and my dad took where he introduced me to Aaron Copland.
So many great points in here that I've felt deeply these past few years. The need for men to do an activity is one I've been contending with a lot, and recently decided to stop trying to fight. Even though I'd rather meet for coffee and philosophize, I started going for morning tennis matches with other dads in the neighborhood. We talk during the changeovers and it feels like progress.
Thanks Evan! Have started joining a Friday morning padel group of dads and it’s been a great way to get in shape and see a few more human beings every week.
Kevin, thank you. Just discovered your stuff and this was the first thing I listened to. As a father of two sons, I really appreciated this piece, especially the way you surface the quiet loneliness many fathers carry but rarely name. One idea that stuck with me was the metaphor of fatherhood as a “junk drawer”. That we inherit a pile of scripts about what a man or dad is supposed to be, but we rarely stop to sort through them intentionally.
What struck me is how closely that connects to a broader question I’ve been wrestling with in my own writing - how much of masculinity is actually chosen, and how much is just a reaction to a traditional script. A lot of men don’t consciously author their values. They either inherit them wholesale or define themselves against what they think they shouldn’t be. Both paths can leave you untethered.
Your post seems to point toward a quieter alternative - that being a good father (and maybe a good man in general) isn’t about performing a role correctly, but about deciding deliberately what kind of person you want your kids to see when they look at you.
Curious how you think about this - do you think most men ever consciously choose their model of masculinity, or do we mostly absorb one by default and only question it if something breaks?
Good question! I spent some time with cousins in Ireland this week, as we came together to bury my aunt. It was clear that not every male cousin was seeking another version of masculinity and fatherhood, but we were all aware of the limitations and dangers of the one we’d inherited.
It’s often from a place of privilege, and the moment we find ourselves in. My dad was too busy focused on putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, battling at the base levels of Maslow’s pyramid. What it means to be a man is different today and has aligned with having the ability to be more intentional about how we show up for our families and ourselves.
Loved this conversation, and I'm so glad to see the podcast back!
The music connection to the road trip brought back happy memories of a cross-country roadtrip my and my dad took where he introduced me to Aaron Copland.
So many great points in here that I've felt deeply these past few years. The need for men to do an activity is one I've been contending with a lot, and recently decided to stop trying to fight. Even though I'd rather meet for coffee and philosophize, I started going for morning tennis matches with other dads in the neighborhood. We talk during the changeovers and it feels like progress.
Thanks for posting the great conversation!
Thanks Evan! Have started joining a Friday morning padel group of dads and it’s been a great way to get in shape and see a few more human beings every week.