15 Comments

I am in a group in Waco, TX called Black Fathers' Waco. We have a weekly lunch every Friday at 12 that gives dads an opportunity to connect, support one another, try to figure our this parenting thing. Everyone loves it when they are there but few prioritize it consistently. Its a challenge.

Expand full comment

I came to the US from Korea 2 years ago and of course had no friend. The year we came to the U.S i was so lonely. No job, No friends, Too much time alone. However, luckily I got to know good people from son's school and now I am meeting them regularly. We ALL need friends not only kids but also parents! Thanks for sharing your story!

Expand full comment
Feb 14, 2023Liked by Kevin Maguire

A friend who had a child short while ago (I am to have my first one in a few months) said that what his father did was convince all of his friends that having kids at the same time would be a great idea immediately after he learned his wife is pregnant. Perhaps we ought to transition our friends into parents to bring them along for the ride? :D

Seriously though, this is a good post, I am fortunate not to be in this situation, but I was an expat myself for a long time in a country whose culture was alien to me, and I understand the feeling - I cannot imagine being a parent there (which is why we moved). Get yourself a group of people around you who you can share with, it is as important as exercise, food and sleep.

I am also keen for the online meet-ups (as I doubt there are many readers from Serbia) - keep us posted!

Expand full comment
Feb 14, 2023Liked by Kevin Maguire

Can’t even begin to tell you how much this article meant to me. Thank you so much. I’m going to share this with my Dads WhatsApp group today. PSA: If any readers are based in the East Bay Area please comment. Extra points if you’re a music fan and I’d love to connect with a fellow Dad who wants to 🤘🏽

Expand full comment

Been reading Gabor Mate’s “Myth of Normal”;

But your article hits a tune as I realized just recently—I fit the mold of a dude with no close friends. Four kids and a wife—but friends—after breaking my hip at a Skatepark last April, two surgeries later with the total hip just last month. Not one Dude showed up for a significant period of time or to alleviate the extra burden of stress this long recovery gave my wife. How many childless, single dudes would come over to change diapers or babysit and clean house? Or how many working fathers have that time? That said, friends of my wife showed. As did my Mom. But a Dude’s Dude; a quick gear exchange at the garage.

Expand full comment

A timely post. I once had a solid group of friends -- they're still my friends, they just live in Iowa, which I moved away from with my family a year ago. I've not written on this yet, but leaving academe was like losing a church family. Institutions like colleges are perhaps the best equivalent to churches, and now that I'm largely working from home I don't have that automatic way of meeting people. I like the chef idea, and I've done a little volunteering. I've actually thought of joining the local emergency response team as a volunteer, now that I don't have a fixed work schedule. It's been good for me to go back to a gym, belong to a running club, and get out for bike rides with my brother-in-law. But building that base of friends in a new place is damn hard. I've heard from other academics that it's doubly hard for those of us who chose a profession that was kind of designed for misfits. I'm sure there are other lines of work of that kind, where the thing that always made you weird becomes the actual core of a professional self. I appreciate the mix of realism here (there is a problem, we're not alone in it) and practical steps toward solutions.

Expand full comment

"I feel like I have to deal with all of these problems by myself." Best quote. Making the Individual Responsible for All of Their Own Problems is the title of America. I wrote a piece parallel to this great summary. It's my most popular post. https://open.substack.com/pub/jamesrichardson/p/the-decay-of-adult-friendship-in?r=1mec6y&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Expand full comment