Thanks for sharing this Kevin. I have found this especially challenging in the 2nd chapter of life as I re-evaluate old friendships that deplete me rather than energise me. This is not fully formed yet, however, I am more aware of how precious judgement and presence are in preserving close friendships and forging new ones.
I am in a group in Waco, TX called Black Fathers' Waco. We have a weekly lunch every Friday at 12 that gives dads an opportunity to connect, support one another, try to figure our this parenting thing. Everyone loves it when they are there but few prioritize it consistently. Its a challenge.
I came to the US from Korea 2 years ago and of course had no friend. The year we came to the U.S i was so lonely. No job, No friends, Too much time alone. However, luckily I got to know good people from son's school and now I am meeting them regularly. We ALL need friends not only kids but also parents! Thanks for sharing your story!
A friend who had a child short while ago (I am to have my first one in a few months) said that what his father did was convince all of his friends that having kids at the same time would be a great idea immediately after he learned his wife is pregnant. Perhaps we ought to transition our friends into parents to bring them along for the ride? :D
Seriously though, this is a good post, I am fortunate not to be in this situation, but I was an expat myself for a long time in a country whose culture was alien to me, and I understand the feeling - I cannot imagine being a parent there (which is why we moved). Get yourself a group of people around you who you can share with, it is as important as exercise, food and sleep.
I am also keen for the online meet-ups (as I doubt there are many readers from Serbia) - keep us posted!
Can’t even begin to tell you how much this article meant to me. Thank you so much. I’m going to share this with my Dads WhatsApp group today. PSA: If any readers are based in the East Bay Area please comment. Extra points if you’re a music fan and I’d love to connect with a fellow Dad who wants to 🤘🏽
Hey Tristan! I’m close-ish, up in the North Bay Area. Huge music fan and former musician too. You can click through to my profile to find my writing and connect with me that way. I’m also super easy to find on Twitter and whatnot too since my last name is unique.
A timely post. I once had a solid group of friends -- they're still my friends, they just live in Iowa, which I moved away from with my family a year ago. I've not written on this yet, but leaving academe was like losing a church family. Institutions like colleges are perhaps the best equivalent to churches, and now that I'm largely working from home I don't have that automatic way of meeting people. I like the chef idea, and I've done a little volunteering. I've actually thought of joining the local emergency response team as a volunteer, now that I don't have a fixed work schedule. It's been good for me to go back to a gym, belong to a running club, and get out for bike rides with my brother-in-law. But building that base of friends in a new place is damn hard. I've heard from other academics that it's doubly hard for those of us who chose a profession that was kind of designed for misfits. I'm sure there are other lines of work of that kind, where the thing that always made you weird becomes the actual core of a professional self. I appreciate the mix of realism here (there is a problem, we're not alone in it) and practical steps toward solutions.
Thanks for sharing this Kevin. I have found this especially challenging in the 2nd chapter of life as I re-evaluate old friendships that deplete me rather than energise me. This is not fully formed yet, however, I am more aware of how precious judgement and presence are in preserving close friendships and forging new ones.
I am in a group in Waco, TX called Black Fathers' Waco. We have a weekly lunch every Friday at 12 that gives dads an opportunity to connect, support one another, try to figure our this parenting thing. Everyone loves it when they are there but few prioritize it consistently. Its a challenge.
I came to the US from Korea 2 years ago and of course had no friend. The year we came to the U.S i was so lonely. No job, No friends, Too much time alone. However, luckily I got to know good people from son's school and now I am meeting them regularly. We ALL need friends not only kids but also parents! Thanks for sharing your story!
A friend who had a child short while ago (I am to have my first one in a few months) said that what his father did was convince all of his friends that having kids at the same time would be a great idea immediately after he learned his wife is pregnant. Perhaps we ought to transition our friends into parents to bring them along for the ride? :D
Seriously though, this is a good post, I am fortunate not to be in this situation, but I was an expat myself for a long time in a country whose culture was alien to me, and I understand the feeling - I cannot imagine being a parent there (which is why we moved). Get yourself a group of people around you who you can share with, it is as important as exercise, food and sleep.
I am also keen for the online meet-ups (as I doubt there are many readers from Serbia) - keep us posted!
Can’t even begin to tell you how much this article meant to me. Thank you so much. I’m going to share this with my Dads WhatsApp group today. PSA: If any readers are based in the East Bay Area please comment. Extra points if you’re a music fan and I’d love to connect with a fellow Dad who wants to 🤘🏽
Hey Tristan! I’m close-ish, up in the North Bay Area. Huge music fan and former musician too. You can click through to my profile to find my writing and connect with me that way. I’m also super easy to find on Twitter and whatnot too since my last name is unique.
Happy it resonated Tristan.
A timely post. I once had a solid group of friends -- they're still my friends, they just live in Iowa, which I moved away from with my family a year ago. I've not written on this yet, but leaving academe was like losing a church family. Institutions like colleges are perhaps the best equivalent to churches, and now that I'm largely working from home I don't have that automatic way of meeting people. I like the chef idea, and I've done a little volunteering. I've actually thought of joining the local emergency response team as a volunteer, now that I don't have a fixed work schedule. It's been good for me to go back to a gym, belong to a running club, and get out for bike rides with my brother-in-law. But building that base of friends in a new place is damn hard. I've heard from other academics that it's doubly hard for those of us who chose a profession that was kind of designed for misfits. I'm sure there are other lines of work of that kind, where the thing that always made you weird becomes the actual core of a professional self. I appreciate the mix of realism here (there is a problem, we're not alone in it) and practical steps toward solutions.
That’s a great insight about academia. Didn’t think about how much the industry you’re in will effect your ability to make friends at work.
Thanks, Joe. Is this the one about suicide?
"I feel like I have to deal with all of these problems by myself." Best quote. Making the Individual Responsible for All of Their Own Problems is the title of America. I wrote a piece parallel to this great summary. It's my most popular post. https://open.substack.com/pub/jamesrichardson/p/the-decay-of-adult-friendship-in?r=1mec6y&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I had an experience of my own in my late twenties. A rough outpatient time, and not one friend came around to visit. Thankfully my wife was there.