Thank you for this deeply personal and thoughtful reflection. The line about your father pointing out the roads and bridges he built really moved me—it captures both pride and absence in a single image. That quiet tension between building the world and missing the small moments inside it feels incredibly real.
What lingered with me most is your idea of agency. So many men inherit a script without realizing it’s optional. But here’s the thought your piece sparked for me: sometimes the hardest part of having agency is that it removes the excuse of inevitability. If previous generations had no choice, they carried burden without blame. But when we do have choice, every tradeoff feels heavier because it’s ours. That can be paralyzing. Perhaps part of redefining fatherhood today is not just choosing differently—but forgiving ourselves for the complexity of choosing at all. That’s a conversation worth having more openly.
Brilliant piece. That insight about how modern dads have agency where previous geenrations didn't really reframes the whole conversation. Its not just balance anymore but active choice. I remmber my dad constantly traveling for work and now I'm choosing differently, but sometimes feel guilty tbh. The tension still matters cause we're wrestling with those identity questions even when economics shift.
I was thinking about this theme in popular culture too! I totally saw it too this year. I would even add One Battle After Another (Leo’s character as a dad to Willa trying to find her and protect her from villains created by her dad’s activism, and Jay Kelly (where George Clooney tries to repair a fraught relationship with his children after amassing mega fame) to this review. And In our house we fall into that minority group where my wife is the primary breadwinner.
Thank you for this deeply personal and thoughtful reflection. The line about your father pointing out the roads and bridges he built really moved me—it captures both pride and absence in a single image. That quiet tension between building the world and missing the small moments inside it feels incredibly real.
What lingered with me most is your idea of agency. So many men inherit a script without realizing it’s optional. But here’s the thought your piece sparked for me: sometimes the hardest part of having agency is that it removes the excuse of inevitability. If previous generations had no choice, they carried burden without blame. But when we do have choice, every tradeoff feels heavier because it’s ours. That can be paralyzing. Perhaps part of redefining fatherhood today is not just choosing differently—but forgiving ourselves for the complexity of choosing at all. That’s a conversation worth having more openly.
Brilliant piece. That insight about how modern dads have agency where previous geenrations didn't really reframes the whole conversation. Its not just balance anymore but active choice. I remmber my dad constantly traveling for work and now I'm choosing differently, but sometimes feel guilty tbh. The tension still matters cause we're wrestling with those identity questions even when economics shift.
Yeah the inherited guilt of “am I doing enough” can hit hard
We watched Train Dreams the other night and it sticks with you. Great review.
I was thinking about this theme in popular culture too! I totally saw it too this year. I would even add One Battle After Another (Leo’s character as a dad to Willa trying to find her and protect her from villains created by her dad’s activism, and Jay Kelly (where George Clooney tries to repair a fraught relationship with his children after amassing mega fame) to this review. And In our house we fall into that minority group where my wife is the primary breadwinner.
Still thinking about the line “Can I go again? I’d like another.”
Wrecked me 😭
Leo for sure! Heard good things about Jay Kelly, will check it out. I think it’s on Netflix too?
Yep!
https://open.substack.com/pub/wearethebreadwinners/p/we-revolutionized-motherhood-but?r=6z5r6b&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=overlay
I just wrote a similar piece on this topic!