Open Thread: The Dadvice Extravaganza
Open Thread: The Dadvice Extravaganza
Dads, assemble.
Unsolicited advice is a scourge on society. Unsolicited parenting advice, even more so. But good advice, a juicy morsel delivered at the right time, from the right person, can be manna from heaven. It can be the breaking of a lock, the unrolling of a boulder, a sudden lightness of being, a removal of weight being struggled with silently. But the first hurdle to getting that advice is putting the request out there. So for the next few days, whilst I’m putting the final touches to an essay that has remained stubbornly in the realms of “good” and resists all efforts to push it to “great,” I want to offer up this space as A Dadvice Extravaganza.
Picture yourself, for a minute, at an event with other men. Research has shown women prefer “face to face” activities, whilst men tend to prefer “shoulder to shoulder” ones—think watching the kids’ football game, propping up the bar, or rotating sausages by a BBQ. Got one? Well, instead of a few dads, picture close to 7,000. And we’re all telling the first dad he’s leaving those burgers on for too long.
A few thousand of what I’d say are the smartest and nicest dads out there—though I’m clearly biased—ready to answer whatever you might want to ask. So what do you want to know? Go nuts. Are you wondering whether it’s still too early to buy a fully electric family car, or whether you should just buy the damn minivan? Are you struggling with a change in routine at home, and looking for a friendly ear, and maybe a solution? (Remember, the last time meditation works wonders for all who fall into its loving embrace.) Looking for recommendations on what to watch, read or listen to? Wondering where your career is going, and what to do about work, when the swirl seems stronger than ever?
Whatever is on your mind. Come one, come all. Ask, and ye shall receive.
Also, a quick housekeeping note. Most paid newsletters do so, but I’ve resisted putting these threads behind the paywall. I feel it’s against the spirit of a place that promotes openness and vulnerability to lock out dads who don’t pay an entry fee. But as we’ve found repeatedly with our Geneva community, dads feel more comfortable opening up in a private space, knowing it is safe and free from the worry of a comment that might follow them around the internet.
In an attempt to split the difference, I’ve started locking posts and threads after a year. The upside is that whatever you write will be locked away after 12 months. The downside is that older essays will be available only to paid subscribers (or by searching through your Gmail, of course). But I think it’s a worthy trade-off. Thanks again to the cabal of paid subscribers that keep those doors open for everyone else. You really should join them. There’s never been a better time to do it.
I'm not much for giving advice, but will outline a few things we've felt have been important to us:
Our top priority was to raise a human who is securely attached. It's more work up front, for sure, and with massive payoff down the road, for Z., us, and everyone Z will be in relationship to for the rest of his life.
(Read: 'Parenting from the Inside Out' by Hartzell and Seigel; 'Raising a Secure Child' by Hoffman, Cooper, Powell, Benton; 'Attachment Focused Parenting' by Hughes)
Mama drank bone broth and ate fermented foods all through pregnancy. Z is a year old and loves bone broth as much as breastmilk. There are few things more healthy for our gut, immune system, and brain than bone broth and fermented foods. As additional context: baby was born <4 lbs, NICU for first two two weeks. Our early intervention physiotherapist recently closed our case because Z's growth rate and development have been off the charts.
We co-sleep. Mama breastfeeds when he wants it. Loss of sleep is minimal. When folks ask, is he a good sleeper, we say, that's not one of our goals. Of course, sleep is precious, and after many years of working on fishing boats in Alaska, and doing baby sleep the way we are, well, Matt Walker the Sleep Doc might have a bone to pick. But we're focused on the longer term goals, which do not include traumatizing our child in order to get our beauty sleep.
As for the rest of it, reading Becky Kennedy's book 'Good Inside' was deeply affirming. Almost everything in the book was aligned with how I want to parent.
In the first 3 months after birth (or longer if a preemie) and beyond (cos why not), spend as much time as you can being skin-to-skin with your baby.
The benefits are fucking wild. Not only do you get the bonding oxytocin release (which is awesome obvs), if you place them skin-to-skin and place your hearts in alignment, the baby's heart will match yours 🤯
When they are so young, they have no ability to self-regulate, so when they are screaming/going wild - and why wouldn't you, the outside world is cold, full of clangy noise and I have to get my food through my mouth now - get yer top off, hug them close and do loooooong exhales.
It'll bring your heart rate down which calms you down, and it teaches their nervous system how to do it too.
I know that sounds wild, but it works. I did it from day 1 and it meant that my daughter fell asleep in my arms within minutes without fail. It also meant I was able to regulate my own emotions when I wanted to chuck her out the window (note: wanted to).
We never get taught the weird physiological parts about being a parent, but we are animals after all. Modern life gets in the way of Nature doing its thing sometimes.