It’d be really interesting to know when you guys first had a sitter. We’ve got three kids (eesh I know) age 4,2 and 4 months.
Since number 2 was born we’ve had only a handful of date nights as my wife didn’t want to ask her mum to have both girls. Now the thought of asking her to have all three feels impossible.
So yes, what age did you guys first get a sitter and have you managed any ‘holy grail’ nights where someone has the kids until the next morning!!??
Very good point: we actually moved, got rid of our nanny, pulled our kids from public school and now have ALOT of time together...although we have adapted and just used our creativity to have "dates" when the kids are doing activities...or are asleep!
We’ve got no parents near us (one an hour away, but who won’t drive), so we’ve evolved to feel like we can do it all on our own. The reality is we could really do with a break but often won’t admit it.
We can call on our daughter’s nursery key worker, who’ll sit for £10/hr, but frankly it’s a big outlay and hard to justify. The key breakthrough is that my wife and her friend have started their own sitting club where they take turns to spend a Fri/Sat night at each others house and let the couple out for dinner. It’s a revelation.
My wife and I are 1 year into our parenting journey.
We have a nannishare during the week but after hours and weekends are a mixed bag.
We’ve utilized my wife’s benefits of 15 days of on-demand child care and her parents from time to time but we’ve failed to find a consistent routine of care for us to enjoy each other.
My wife and I are fortunate in that my siblings all live close by and, with the exception of my brother who has made it clear his lack of interest in taking care of babies, we are able to get family sitters for our little 7 month old daughter.
The sitter challenge I'm struggling with currently is different though: how many nights am I willing to be away from my baby girl is the challenge I'm working on. The annual Boundary Waters Canoe Area wilderness trip that my stepfad and family friends are going on is happening in June this year, when my daughter will be 9 months. It is a 4-night trip where we will be totally off the grid. My sister has graciously said she can help my wife (who is a full-time nursing student) out while I am out of town. But I still am feeling like it's too soon to be away from her that long, even knowing my wife and her Aunt will take good care of her.
Curious what other dads think. Sorry if it's a different angle than the original thread, but I'm curious how long others were away from their babies in the early days, and how you thought about which trips were worth it versus which trips could just wait for next year when your baby was a bit older. Any thoughts welcome!
We have a reliable sitter who comes every other Sunday from 1 to 6 PM, and she's been coming for about six months. It's the best investment we've made as a couple because it's literally the only time we can spend together without the kids since our families are on the West Coast. We sometimes go to eat or movies, but often it's just going for a walk at IKEA. Now that we have it, I can't imagine what we did without that time.
We have a go to high school student and at least one other back up person (who is less fun for the kids) on standby. Additionally our current nanny can sometimes stay late/add an evening. Family is far away but when when we visit them for holidays we either get a night out or a couple of nights away.
My wife and I are from Chicago and our families all live in the Midwest, but my 1.5-year-old daughter was born during the odd year that we lived in Washington DC for job reasons. Meaning the first eight months of her life were spent in a place with no family and only a few not-terribly-close friends nearby, and towards the tail-end of a pesky pandemic. Call us paranoid or overprotective, but the "old fashioned way" of finding a babysitter -- i.e., hiring a random high-schooler or the supposedly-trustworthy-kid-of-a-friend -- just didn't appeal to us. Consequently, my wife and I only went out sans baby on the VERY occasional night when a visiting relative volunteered to babysit... and we could count those nights on one hand. Fast-forward to today, when we're back in Chicago with an abundance of trusted friends and family close by and eager to babysit. It's been wonderful getting to have more frequent date nights -- but, then again, looking back on our DC days, neither of us feel like we were cheated out of something by not having babysitters. It just made us reframe what a "crazy Friday night" looked like (most weeks: 4pm happy hour beers, followed by Ted Lasso and some nice takeout after the kid was asleep).
We picked up this parenting hack a few years back but it doesn’t happen often enough: drop your kids off at friend’s houses for sleepovers/or a long afternoon play date and return the favor to them the next weekend when their kids stay with you. It’s a double win because once your kids are old enough, adding another child into the mix actually makes your job as a parent easier for that evening too!
Also, lifetime fitness has a parents night out every couple of weeks. You drop your kids off for three hours and go out to dinner or binge a movie or just do other adult things. We also had been known to drop the kids off at the kids center at lifetime and just sit by the pool for a few hours without the kids. No shame.
In the months leading up to birth, we hosted salons and parties in our home, and invited 40-50 humans in our extended community to share about death, sex, money, birth and gestation, their dreams, and in a way built a stronger foundation for support after birth. It wasn't like, "if we do that then we'll have babysitters," but one cool side effect has been a whatsapp thread with many of those folks who love our kid and are stoked to get to hang with him for an hour or three. Sometimes, their kids watch him for money, and other times we've hired friends of friends to come through and hang out in our house while he sleeps...
Mama goes to a weekly mama+baby meetup called Partum Gardens, where 50ish humans meet and do mama and baby things for three hours. One person met Z. there and said to call her anytime, she'd love to come over for free just to hold him and be with him.
We've been really blessed with baby care and a little human who is super engaged and who older humans really want to connect with and hang with. And I imagine this will change and transform if we have a second. Really feeling for those with many kids, and how that creates babysitting challenges.
We have a really tough time with sitters....we have 4 boys, and so even the few good sitters we've found end up overwhelmed with all the 'boy' energy in our house and usually won't come back after the 3rd or 4th time even though they and others all report that our kids are well behaved. Family is 1000's of miles away on the other side of the country. About the only time we get out alone is when one of the grandparents are visiting so maybe two or three times per year.
Eesh, it's been rough for us. Our kiddo is 2.5, and we've been on two dates since she was born. We live in Seattle, thousands of miles away from family. We've had one friend nearby who has really stepped in for us when needed (i.e. a late night trip to the ER), but we're very aware of not taking advantage of this friend -- or any other -- and moving them from the bucket labeled "Friend" to the bucket labeled "Babysitter".
I think if finances were better we'd be willing to go the route of an app, or a system, and go through a vetting process of sorts. But we both work full-time (really wish we didn't have to), and have to pay $1,700 / month for daycare on top of Seattle's crazy-high rent (one of the least expensive options found in the area that didn't have a years-long waiting list).
I'm holding out hope that things will change soon, whether that be being able to pay less for childcare/preschool, or moving to a new, less expensive place, or both. And that once finances are freed up a bit we can then begin a true search for folks that can take care of our kiddo during routine date nights.
We've pretty much only ever used apps (Bubble, to be specific). We're in London, so fortunate in that there are always sitters available. Our rough rule of thumb was that they needed a 100% rating on at least 50 sits, but again, given we're in London, that's never been an issue even if booking on the day. We've had a few regulars that we have used via the app, but don't really have an issue if we need to go with someone new.
For a long while we'd been hesitant to have a complete stranger put Lenny to bed, which meant that we'd go out a bit later, but about 6 months ago tried leaving before bedtime, and have never really had an issue.
So all in all, we feel rather fortunate that we have the flexibility (though of course a night out gets expensive if you're not getting free babysitting from family!)
This is such a tough topic for me because my wife Allison and I haven't had a date night since our daughter Em was born nearly five years ago.
As you and some of your readers know, Em has severe cerebral palsy. So a typical babysitter is off the table. We've had an in-home respite nurse help at times so we could go on a hike or something during the day, but it has proven difficult to find a reliable person. Part of the issue is that the respite nursing company pays shit wages, which means there's not a great pool of nurses to choose from. We also live in Sonoma, which is a bit of a smaller town that's not super close to other cities, so some nurses have churned because they got tired of driving 30+ minutes for a crappy hourly rate. So far, we've mostly used one person who's local, but she's had her own health issues she's been dealing with, unfortunately.
We've recently discovered an amazing non-profit called George Mark Children's House (https://georgemark.org/) that offers respite care for families who have children with complicated medical needs. They also offer pediatric palliative care, which is a whole other kind of sad. We're in the process of getting Em approved for it and we're looking forward to doing a weekend trip at some point while Em is taken care of there. It's going to feel odd not being with her at night but it's sorely needed at this point.
It’d be really interesting to know when you guys first had a sitter. We’ve got three kids (eesh I know) age 4,2 and 4 months.
Since number 2 was born we’ve had only a handful of date nights as my wife didn’t want to ask her mum to have both girls. Now the thought of asking her to have all three feels impossible.
So yes, what age did you guys first get a sitter and have you managed any ‘holy grail’ nights where someone has the kids until the next morning!!??
Very good point: we actually moved, got rid of our nanny, pulled our kids from public school and now have ALOT of time together...although we have adapted and just used our creativity to have "dates" when the kids are doing activities...or are asleep!
We’ve got no parents near us (one an hour away, but who won’t drive), so we’ve evolved to feel like we can do it all on our own. The reality is we could really do with a break but often won’t admit it.
We can call on our daughter’s nursery key worker, who’ll sit for £10/hr, but frankly it’s a big outlay and hard to justify. The key breakthrough is that my wife and her friend have started their own sitting club where they take turns to spend a Fri/Sat night at each others house and let the couple out for dinner. It’s a revelation.
We've got 9 kids, including 6 teens... so we've got sitters. :) Just no one for overnight getaways.
Great question.
My wife and I are 1 year into our parenting journey.
We have a nannishare during the week but after hours and weekends are a mixed bag.
We’ve utilized my wife’s benefits of 15 days of on-demand child care and her parents from time to time but we’ve failed to find a consistent routine of care for us to enjoy each other.
My wife and I are fortunate in that my siblings all live close by and, with the exception of my brother who has made it clear his lack of interest in taking care of babies, we are able to get family sitters for our little 7 month old daughter.
The sitter challenge I'm struggling with currently is different though: how many nights am I willing to be away from my baby girl is the challenge I'm working on. The annual Boundary Waters Canoe Area wilderness trip that my stepfad and family friends are going on is happening in June this year, when my daughter will be 9 months. It is a 4-night trip where we will be totally off the grid. My sister has graciously said she can help my wife (who is a full-time nursing student) out while I am out of town. But I still am feeling like it's too soon to be away from her that long, even knowing my wife and her Aunt will take good care of her.
Curious what other dads think. Sorry if it's a different angle than the original thread, but I'm curious how long others were away from their babies in the early days, and how you thought about which trips were worth it versus which trips could just wait for next year when your baby was a bit older. Any thoughts welcome!
Being a new grandfather, I've somehow found myself on to the 'go-to" babysitting list 😀
We have a reliable sitter who comes every other Sunday from 1 to 6 PM, and she's been coming for about six months. It's the best investment we've made as a couple because it's literally the only time we can spend together without the kids since our families are on the West Coast. We sometimes go to eat or movies, but often it's just going for a walk at IKEA. Now that we have it, I can't imagine what we did without that time.
We have a go to high school student and at least one other back up person (who is less fun for the kids) on standby. Additionally our current nanny can sometimes stay late/add an evening. Family is far away but when when we visit them for holidays we either get a night out or a couple of nights away.
My wife and I are from Chicago and our families all live in the Midwest, but my 1.5-year-old daughter was born during the odd year that we lived in Washington DC for job reasons. Meaning the first eight months of her life were spent in a place with no family and only a few not-terribly-close friends nearby, and towards the tail-end of a pesky pandemic. Call us paranoid or overprotective, but the "old fashioned way" of finding a babysitter -- i.e., hiring a random high-schooler or the supposedly-trustworthy-kid-of-a-friend -- just didn't appeal to us. Consequently, my wife and I only went out sans baby on the VERY occasional night when a visiting relative volunteered to babysit... and we could count those nights on one hand. Fast-forward to today, when we're back in Chicago with an abundance of trusted friends and family close by and eager to babysit. It's been wonderful getting to have more frequent date nights -- but, then again, looking back on our DC days, neither of us feel like we were cheated out of something by not having babysitters. It just made us reframe what a "crazy Friday night" looked like (most weeks: 4pm happy hour beers, followed by Ted Lasso and some nice takeout after the kid was asleep).
We picked up this parenting hack a few years back but it doesn’t happen often enough: drop your kids off at friend’s houses for sleepovers/or a long afternoon play date and return the favor to them the next weekend when their kids stay with you. It’s a double win because once your kids are old enough, adding another child into the mix actually makes your job as a parent easier for that evening too!
Also, lifetime fitness has a parents night out every couple of weeks. You drop your kids off for three hours and go out to dinner or binge a movie or just do other adult things. We also had been known to drop the kids off at the kids center at lifetime and just sit by the pool for a few hours without the kids. No shame.
In the months leading up to birth, we hosted salons and parties in our home, and invited 40-50 humans in our extended community to share about death, sex, money, birth and gestation, their dreams, and in a way built a stronger foundation for support after birth. It wasn't like, "if we do that then we'll have babysitters," but one cool side effect has been a whatsapp thread with many of those folks who love our kid and are stoked to get to hang with him for an hour or three. Sometimes, their kids watch him for money, and other times we've hired friends of friends to come through and hang out in our house while he sleeps...
Mama goes to a weekly mama+baby meetup called Partum Gardens, where 50ish humans meet and do mama and baby things for three hours. One person met Z. there and said to call her anytime, she'd love to come over for free just to hold him and be with him.
We've been really blessed with baby care and a little human who is super engaged and who older humans really want to connect with and hang with. And I imagine this will change and transform if we have a second. Really feeling for those with many kids, and how that creates babysitting challenges.
We have a really tough time with sitters....we have 4 boys, and so even the few good sitters we've found end up overwhelmed with all the 'boy' energy in our house and usually won't come back after the 3rd or 4th time even though they and others all report that our kids are well behaved. Family is 1000's of miles away on the other side of the country. About the only time we get out alone is when one of the grandparents are visiting so maybe two or three times per year.
Eesh, it's been rough for us. Our kiddo is 2.5, and we've been on two dates since she was born. We live in Seattle, thousands of miles away from family. We've had one friend nearby who has really stepped in for us when needed (i.e. a late night trip to the ER), but we're very aware of not taking advantage of this friend -- or any other -- and moving them from the bucket labeled "Friend" to the bucket labeled "Babysitter".
I think if finances were better we'd be willing to go the route of an app, or a system, and go through a vetting process of sorts. But we both work full-time (really wish we didn't have to), and have to pay $1,700 / month for daycare on top of Seattle's crazy-high rent (one of the least expensive options found in the area that didn't have a years-long waiting list).
I'm holding out hope that things will change soon, whether that be being able to pay less for childcare/preschool, or moving to a new, less expensive place, or both. And that once finances are freed up a bit we can then begin a true search for folks that can take care of our kiddo during routine date nights.
We've pretty much only ever used apps (Bubble, to be specific). We're in London, so fortunate in that there are always sitters available. Our rough rule of thumb was that they needed a 100% rating on at least 50 sits, but again, given we're in London, that's never been an issue even if booking on the day. We've had a few regulars that we have used via the app, but don't really have an issue if we need to go with someone new.
For a long while we'd been hesitant to have a complete stranger put Lenny to bed, which meant that we'd go out a bit later, but about 6 months ago tried leaving before bedtime, and have never really had an issue.
So all in all, we feel rather fortunate that we have the flexibility (though of course a night out gets expensive if you're not getting free babysitting from family!)
This is such a tough topic for me because my wife Allison and I haven't had a date night since our daughter Em was born nearly five years ago.
As you and some of your readers know, Em has severe cerebral palsy. So a typical babysitter is off the table. We've had an in-home respite nurse help at times so we could go on a hike or something during the day, but it has proven difficult to find a reliable person. Part of the issue is that the respite nursing company pays shit wages, which means there's not a great pool of nurses to choose from. We also live in Sonoma, which is a bit of a smaller town that's not super close to other cities, so some nurses have churned because they got tired of driving 30+ minutes for a crappy hourly rate. So far, we've mostly used one person who's local, but she's had her own health issues she's been dealing with, unfortunately.
We've recently discovered an amazing non-profit called George Mark Children's House (https://georgemark.org/) that offers respite care for families who have children with complicated medical needs. They also offer pediatric palliative care, which is a whole other kind of sad. We're in the process of getting Em approved for it and we're looking forward to doing a weekend trip at some point while Em is taken care of there. It's going to feel odd not being with her at night but it's sorely needed at this point.