Open Thread: Anger Management
www.thenewfatherhood.org
Open Thread: Anger Management
Let's talk about losing your cool
This week I wrote about losing my shit. And from the messages it inspired, it’s clear I’m not alone. One dad emailed to let me know “It’s nice to know my 3yo isn’t unique in his ability to drive me nuts.”
This weekend I’d love to talk about how you deal with anger. When does it show up? What role does it play in your house, and how is that different from your own childhood? How do you feel in the aftermath?
And, for those who’ve come across surefire ways to manage the red mist, ensuring it dissipates before the critical moment, share them in the comments. I’m sure other dads here would be happy to hear them.
As ever, I’ll go first.
Hi Kevin! As always, a thought provoking and helpful post/prompt. Roughly 19 months ago, when my daughter was born, I discovered that I could get angry. It was like my tiny crying baby was ripping off the careful facade of peace and stability that I didn’t know I was hiding behind. Suddenly, I’d feel a wave of rage as I faced my powerlessness to soothe my precious baby.
Honestly, it scared me. First off, I didn’t know it was there. Second, it felt like it would lead me to do something violent, and I hated that thought. I remember realizing, to my horror, why medical professionals tell soon-to-be parents not to shake their baby. Fortunately I was able to talk it over with my wife and we found a good system of relying on each other when limits were reached. Actually, when MY limits were reached.
Things got better. On the one hand, as she got older, we learned more about what she needed and so could more effectively soothe her. On the other hand, I put into practice something from my journey of faith, which is what helped me manage/understand my anger. One night while holding my screaming baby who refused to sleep or be comforted, I felt the anger rise up, but also a new thought. Isn’t this how I cry out to God? How many times have I been in pain? How many times did I feel abandoned by family, friends, or the world? I realized that my anger was a self defense against FEELING the pain I heard in my daughter’s tiny throat. I didn’t want to feel pain. But, what if I accepted it? What if I allowed my heart to melt into her tears, to feel what she feels, to mourn with those who mourn?
By allowing her tears to be my own, I discovered a way through the pain, one that actually endeared her to me in a way that anger would not allow. 19 months later, I still have times when I need to recall this lesson. And, with a baby boy on the way, I’m sure I’ll have many more opportunities to practice this... what should I call it... molding, melting, acceptance, diffusion, dissipation. Something like that.
Wow. Like others, it’s nice to see there’s others out there in this position. Our daughter is 2.5y and recently she’s been pretty testing. As said above, I wasn’t an angry person before, but I’ve lost it with her quite a few times and shouted at her. I’ve always made the point of apologising, but I can’t help but think it’s doing some damage. I’ve read these comments with interest. Thanks all